Friday, Jun. 06, 2003/10:24 pm

hollow shell

My mouth is dry,

stomach empty,

throat raw.

I keep trying to write here but everything i come out with seems pointless.

I don't know what i'm living for anymore. I don't understand what i'm doing here, why i was put here.

Holding my last breath. Tearing my blood to run. Standing in a seedy alley waiting for a star that will never come.

The maths exam was so hard on Wednesday. I was clueless. I spent half the time just staring into space or scribbling guesses in the dotted spaces. I had high sugar levels, i felt as though i could have passed out from deyhdration. When i stood up after the two hours i had to grab onto the table as the room shifted from side to side right infront of me. On the way home someone commented that i wasn't walking straight, but instead swaying my steps across the path. Now all i remember is a blurry mess of algebra and terms i didn't understand. I don't have the strength to care.

English yesterday was okay. I wrote alot. Over 12 pages. Once the pen touches the sheet i can't slow down. I think i used more paper than anyone. I'm a bit worried about the last task because i went off the point a bit into my own little loop, sidetracked myself from the original question. I'm not going to stress about it though. We had R.E today but it's only half a GCSE so it doesn't really matter anyway. I just made it all up. I still haven't done any revision. I pull out a study book from under my bed, open the first page and atempt to learn but it's no use. A blank expression, challenged with strong eye drops, concentration absent. I shove the book down on the floor, fall back and shut my eyes. Think about eating, weight and how many hours left until morning.

Had another tear lashing argument with my mum yesteday, over food as usual. Over me, and my obsessions. She found a shameful supermarket receipt on my floor. She thinks i'm still throwing up. She wants me out of the house, to go and live with my Dad. Even though we both know this isn't possible, he wouldn't want an irritation like me cluttering up his space. I'm stuck here. I'm scared to be here everytime she cracks. I can't stand her telling me she's going to kill me if i continue to breach rules. All i can do is deny it until i'm out of words. I won't let anyone break through my security tape.

Frances, Imo and i were online tonight so we were having a three way conversation as usual. Frances started talking about the latest problems with Cassie. I kept comforting her and saying it would be okay whilst frustrating and turning the situation over in my head. Once again, me, listening to someone else, to pety problems. Helping the best way i can because i just don't want her to be unhappy. No matter how small the dent is i still try to repair it. It's a struggle, because i never tell them anything about me. I keep my mouth shut, and fade silently, i think they sometimes just choose to be blind. I say i'm fine, i'm wasting away, losing my mind but if they ask i am fine. I don't deserve their attention, reveling in my self destruction, holding tight a box of dark secrets.

I'm shaking as i type this.

I don't want to get up because my legs feel so weak, but i need another drink.

I might just spend the whole day in bed tommorrow.

Seaching for meaning in this hollow shell. Tapping the sides with my fingertips hoping to hear the shore.

Echoing screams cry with deathly whispers.