Saturday, Jun. 07, 2003/11:37 pm

seaching

I sometimes wonder how i would be living right now if this all wasn't happening. If food had never been a problem. if i could think straight and be like other people. Though i know that if i hadn't gone this route i would be a completely different person. Depression, eating disorders, self harm have all contributed to how i have grown, and what i have gone through. I wish i could just pull them away from me like bangels that will no longer fit round my wrists but they're here with me, and they will be here until i can learn to cope without them. Which won't be now, or soon, or maybe ever.

I'm sitting in the hallway alone. Knees up to my face. Cheeks streaked with sadness, hair bundled into a tousled mess. People walk by with polished shoes pointing and staring. I don't want to join them but i can't stay here. I need a shot of life. A wake up feeling besides gloom. A change, i have to make use of what i have left.

I've been hanging out to dry for too long. Fabric strung from the washing line. Edges turning crisp, colour washed to white. Cracking and burning, fraying, splitting under a deep, moody sky. Harsh humidity. All brightness overturned, new to old. An end to what was.

I know that before i can get better i have to learn self acceptance. At current state i am hiding. I do not want people to know me, see me, hear me, incase they don't like me, or even in case they do. I can't let friends close anymore because i'm scared of what i've become. I'm scared of everything i've ever said or done, every look i've given and every comment. Now i have turned into a blank wall with nothing remaining inside. Plastered over in lamanent covering, acrylic coated to block out the truth.

I'm searching for a way out. And i'm running out of oxygen. Nobody can save me but myself.