Tuesday, Jun. 10, 2003/11:16 pm

amazing

Last night i went to London to see a silverchair concert.

It was so amazing.

I was with Hayley and her friend Rai. First time meeting Rai, typically i was a bit scared but she's lovely too, has such a pretty smile. I actually feel so much more comfortable with them than at school. Not so afraid of speaking or doing something stupid. They know what i'm going through and it doesn't make a difference. I don't have to lie or run for cover.

Daniel Johns was all i hoped he would be and more. Genuinly beautiful, he thanked the audience after every applause. From just listening to those songs on cd over and over alone in my room, tears stinging my eyes, i got to see him in the flesh.

Emotion sickness, Greatest view, Year 2000, Miss you love were all really brilliant. Ana's song was the highlight, everyone sang along, it represents so much, and so much of him. There was alot of emotion in that room.

I found myself looking around and distantly studying the faces of other people. Other girls, wondering if their holding back screams just like me. Pulled down sleeves and black eyeliner, choking on bullets and cries.

I got home at about 1.30 in the morning. After having to catch a train for half the way and then a coach. For some of the journey i sat with my head against the window, staring into the distance and over what seemed like one winding dark view. I turned up evenescence on my headphones and drowned out the thoughts inside. Playing the song 'hello' on repeat, with lyrics "has no one told you she's not breathing?" I eventually made it back, very tired and weary, with a nagging need to binge as soon as i got through the door, thankfuly i fought it and resisted.

Only got a few hours sleep before having to wake up at 7.30 to get to my maths exam. Then i had history this afternoon. I keep coming out from tests dizzy and light headed. Mind in a spin, flustered with numbers or letters. I also keep reading questions wrong. I ruined English language yesterday, the only thing i thought i could rely on. I replied with an explanation of only one poem from my anthology when it should have been two. I only realised with two minutes to spare.

I'm frightened of failing everything but a part of me still just doesn't care. I keep failing, it means nothing anymore, dropping fortunes into wells that don't grant wishes.

Someone held my arm and called my fragile earlier. Tiny and fragile. I'm ready to be broken, seams splitting, snap me into pieces.

I've been feeling calm lately, but not necessarily in a good way. A calm that sits beneath my bones, a silver shrieking calm. A high pitched tone thats been sounding for so long it sedates your sense of hearing. I don't feel real. Too late, too lost.

I try to find myself under the make believe but i don't know where i'm hiding anymore. I'm usually either numb or pretending.

I'm exhausted. I've managed to keep going all day but the buzz is starting to wear away. It's like i've been drinking black coffee and now i'm waiting for the depressive come down. I hope i can get to sleep easily tonight.

I hate having to return to all this.