Wednesday, Jun. 11, 2003/11:25 pm

before and after

Bowls of vanilla ice cream with chocolate flakes. Drips on your chin, brownie smudges smeared over fingertips. Watching out the window. Moving reality. Boys walking by, holding girls. Mothers with children, lone strangers. Sitting here in my blue lagoon of despair. Huddled in a sad composure. Will it ever change?

The past two years scatter my brain in memories of binging, purging, fasting, falling, breaking slowly. fragment by fragment. Waking everyday to the beats of a heart i sometimes wish would just fade away. A voice that chills hate inside me, my voice. Clumsy steps that leave footprints in my personal log of self hatred. No matter how much makeup i apply, how many coats of mascara, brushes of hair or stitches to my smile i'm still someone i cannot face to be. The exterior can be made over but the interior still remains to be as harsh and as cold as ever. I just don't feel alive. I need to light my core, to help me breathe. I'm black inside, burnt out ashes clinging to the walls of my veins.

So many thoughts of eating, throwing up, getting found out, being sick in bags, woods, creeping outside in the middle of the night. Hunger constantly knawing away at my stomach. Perfecting the art of ridding myself of it's disgusting contents. Now it's instict, my body knows what to do as soon as i'm there staring down into the lonely porcelain. Running from fast food resteraunts to bakers. Supermarkets, newsagents and that pasta place that does the best macaroni cheese. Then searching for a public toilet or secluded place to bring my indulgences right back up. I remember the first time i spotted blood, just a few spots, i convinced myself it couldn't be. Struggles for air, anxiety, panic attacks at school, cutting my arms in frustration. The cloud that slowly grew and grew over me, now i cannot see through the thick smoke clogging my vision.

I've been sinking down, deep into this state. My eyes losing sparkle, shoulders becoming a little more drooped. Sedated under pure darkness thats hard to describe. Locked in a pause. Hoping that a hand would reach through and touch mine but it never did. I'm so incredibly distant.

I look forward and wonder how much more is to come. How much more until the fuse eventally blows out at zero. Until i just can't do it anymore. I'm fighting but i'm so, so exhausted.

I have this apointment on the 24th of June. Except now it is at 9am instead of 10.30 and sheduled at a different place. This is because they wanted me to have a eating disorder assesment which involved, amongst other things, my whole family talking about whats been going on. I didn't want this, the idea of speaking about these problems infront of them terrifies me. They even wanted my Dad to come and he doesn't even know. They were going to ask about how i was as a child and how the present situation has developed. I decided i couldn't go through with all that, it wouldn't help. I'd rather not go at all. They got back to me and said that i could have a personal appointment instead. I secretly wished i had a way out there, a way of refusal and denial. but i will still go through with it. I know that i must.

I have to before the next slip. I don't want to end up in hospital again, i really don't. Feeling too close to being tipped over the edge without jumping. My health is low, everyday a new person tells me i look ill. I have to sit down when walking home from school because i'm so weak. Glancing at the familiar sight of a grey and purple complexion. A frozen coating over my flesh. I feel literally crushed. And scared.

If nothing gets better soon, if i cannot find the strength to start climbing i don't know where i will go. Sliding furthur, wherever furthur leads. I have to unravel myself out from this. I'm so frightened of my future, that it will be the same forever, that i will never be able to escape. Run free, shoes kicked to one side.

I can't imagine a life without all this though, it's so hard to challenge. I can't argue, go against the eating disorder when it details all i believe in. All i have taught myself to believe. It has given me a way to supress my inner disgust, a way to cope, to punish and so be able to keep going. Putting a heavy weight on my shoulders but enough fuel to last. I have it to thank for being here when they're was nobody else.

It's like trying to undo all i have been taught. All i know. Is it fuly possible? I really have no idea. Attempting to leave someone that has purposely wrecked me, but needing them to infict pain and make everything the way it's supposed to be. Placid torture holding me together.

If only i could convince myself i could go on without having to hurt. But i need it. It's all i know and i can't seem to let go, not yet.

Who knows when or if i ever will.

Cemented underground, scratching the stone, screaming through gasps. Holding on for one way or another.