Friday, Jun. 13, 2003/11:31 pm

fed up

I've hit rock bottom and all i can do is sit here upon cold ground playing with pebbles. Throwing them sideways, beats clattering over the path. Watching all that moves turn and twist, Whilst i remain sectioned in my apathy.

I'm semi-conscious. Told what to do and where to go by the voice in my head. Where to slice and how to plan the silk lining my coffin. I was late for one of my exams, completely oblivious. Out of tune from any kind of normality. I've gained weight again and i just want to rip open my stomach and let it all pour out. I'm such a fat, tempted, greedy bitch. I feel full of disgust, heavy full of gluttony even though i'm empty.

I purged 13 times yesterday, 10 Wednesday and 9 so far today. I really am running for the extremes. Thinking back over what i've stuffed myself full of today i want to cut and cut to compensate. I wish i could smash myself to pieces and rearrange the shards.

I've been wearing short sleeves lately. I don't really know whats come over me but i just can't be bothered anymore. I have scars, some quite noticable, a bright red one on my left arm. Most have healed well though. Self harm will always be a problem for me, but i've made a great improvement. It used to be every day now it's quite rare. I often feel i need to, i must, i have to, but i usually don't. If i do i aim for my legs or stomach instead, somewhere where it can't be found. I like to feel the dried blood clinging to jeans as i walk. Tonight i might have to give in, this is too much to take. Hate crawling over me like a luminous mould, clinging to each and every centimetre.

My jaw feels tight and painful.

Last night my eyes were so blurred i couldn't read my magazine. All i could see was fog through flashlights. A line of motted coloured dots previously known as text. Instead i just poured over the bright fashion pages. Pretty models posing in bikinis or floaty dresses and strappy tops. Holding boys and smiling with sunkissed skin. Stunning creatures of the unknown.

Losing myself in others beauty, a distraction from my own messed up truth.

How am i still getting up? I just want to be let go, let go from everything that ties me to life.

I threw the flowers over the balcony and watch them split apart.

I drew a pretty picture in pinkpurple&lilac paint then smothered it in browns and black.

Muted sweet sounds, drew light to a close.

Smash all the windows and mirrors with a glare.