Monday, Jun. 16, 2003/10:52 pm

led weight

This is probably going to be brief.

I've hit a brick wall and i just don't know what to write anymore. I feel like i've already said it all.

Lugging a weight behind me, near keeling over. A curse down on my back, heavy, led weight.

I've been trying to get back to some normality. On Saturday i went to Guildford with Katie and Cassie, just wandering around really because i had little money. The first half of the day was good, i put on my facade and played happy. It worked, to some extent and i felt better for it. Though later on the life just started to leave me, colour draining from my face, hot water through a teabag. I found myself unable to cope with a sentence. My pretence became difficult to withhold, cracks started to appear. I didn't know what they were talking about or why, blank, like i'd been shocked. And it showed. They started looking at me as if i was a freak, i kept tripping and staring distantly. Katie offered to buy me a thorntons ice cream. I said no, she asked again, i said no thankyou and smiled. They both got one, coloured brights in a wafer cone, dripping and glistening.

Yesterday and today i've just been in another daze. I massacred my ribs and right hip last night with red slashes. Constantly attempting to cope with sky high sugar levels. I feel pounds being sucked away from me.

I'm shaky, my hands and legs feel numb, and i still cannot see properly. I am having trouble typing this, characters keep darting across the page and merging together. I got my new glasses earlier, the prescription has increased.

I miss Gwen. I wrote her a letter earlier and i'm going to send it off tommorrow. I hope she's getting better.

I'm exhausted. Too much poison spilling over the rim. The floor has an orange tint but it's supposed to be blue.

I'm going to bed. i'll update again tommorrow.

I hope everyones alright. xo