Wednesday, Jun. 18, 2003/12:03 am

sleepless nights

Knees that knock together.

Stories from him or her that prove tasteful background music.

Bruised bones, exposed veins.

Crawling through nothing but yards of black.

My sleep was regularly interupted last night. By the thump of a heavy heart, pounding, racing high sugar levels, a lump of coal gagging my mouth from hydration. I was up and down atleast five times, lagging with exhaustion, dragging myself out of bed to try and soothe my thirst with yet another drink. At one point, around 4am i became so naseous, shaking and freezing, dread climbing through my stomach. I knew i was about to be sick so i moved everything out of the kitchen sink in a panic, my hands wouldn't keep still and i ended up dropping two bowls on the floor. Smashed china scattered over wood, with a mass of flooding water. I then threw up, watery eyed, burning the back of my throat bringing up just liquid, streaks of diet coke. It took me ages to clear the mess up, i was so tired, kept shutting my eyes and stopping for a seconds rest. I eventually had to take a shot of insulin because my breathing became strained, i was wheezing and fighting for air. Looking through a lense of double vision, lines that spread into two. Dizzy, fragmented fields.

Today i have posed and perfected, stitched and curled into all i could create. I had my hair cut, shaped around my face and subtle highlights added over the top. I was told i needed vitamins because it is falling out, as if i didn't know that. Sometimes i feel like i'm coating myself over, trying to disguise the underneath but i still feel so dead inside. Stripped with bleach, find the drab, dark tunnels of thoughts that make me so ugly. I will always know what i am hiding which is what makes it so hard. Tommorrow i have a clinique consultation, with a make-up artist, it's a promotion at House of Fraser. I use clinique skin mosturiser and cleanser, i am obsessed with expensive products, then again i am obsessed with a lot of things. I am starting to realise this, i become attached very easily. It's unhealthy. I always need something to focus on.

I feel bloated and full even though i am far from.

Stained with guilt from touching what i do not deserve. Yet, my mind tells me to eat, and my body reacts. foodfoodfood nownownow, wherever i am, whenever, whatever i am doing or have to be. I must binge, thinking about it, sending triggers up my spine. Telling me to stop all commitments and follow the trail. Red footprints, dripping with gluttony.

Sitting here behind my frosted window,

don't speak,

don't ring through placid rivers of silence.

I know&you know i'm faulty.

As pale as your mothers best sheet.

Stepping through the milky barrier of existance.

Tracing paper stature, can you really see me anymore?