Friday, Jun. 20, 2003/10:48 pm

hello

I had a diabetic clinic apointment yesterday. I went in with aprehension and uncertainty. & came out with tears stinging my eyes. Salt crystals pigmenting white to red.

They wanted me back in hospital. They were worried about my weight, blood pressure and sugar levels. They print out a 22 day scatter graph from your meter and mine was awful. With my pre meal results i was only 9% in target and 84% above target. Post meal 3% within taget, 81% above target. It was so obvious looking at the consistancy of highs that i'm still skipping injections. I've lost atleast a stone since the last date they saw me. I remember him asking me then if it was accidental or purposely done and i answered accidental. Fuly aware of what i was planning and where i was heading. I think they are now quite alarmed.

I said i didn't want to go back to hospital. That i wouldn't. I shook my head with such fear. They agreed to let me off if i tried to sort it out on my own, and i have another special apointment on the 2nd of July. I promised i'd make an effort to take my insulin but i knew that was all lies. My thoughts digging into me, the guilt that i knew this wouldn't stop. I left the room, said goodbye, takecare, went home binged and purged and buried my head amongst the pillows. Clueless as to how i'm going to get myself out of this one.

I asked about the cramps i've been having every night and was given an explanation. The lack of insulin means my cells won't get enough oxygen and so develop a chemical imbalance. This causes refluxes and severe reactions, in simple form my body is struggling to function. I didn't really understand all of it myself. The words and warnings stream past like a science lesson. They should give up, i'm hopeless.

I was reading a magazine in the waiting room before i went in. There was a story there about a girl named Stephanie who wasn't taking her insulin or eating properly. She drifted off to sleep one night, and never woke up. Died in her bed. 15 years old. You think i'd be shocked, it should have some inpact over me but it really doesn't anymore. I know my diabetes can't improve unless my other dangerous habits do. I'm so far from that. Maybe i'll end up like Stephanie, i know it's more than likely. I'm just waiting for something to happen, something to collapse inside me, but i'm so stupid i keep going. I push myself furthur, i gag until my mouth is raw and i can't get up, literaly cannot move. I feel as though i am dying.

Theres the dips and draws of a rollercoaster. First, an adreneline that keeps you propped up and electric. A drugged expression and random words through conversations, pupils fixed and burning. The drop is that of deep, dark, dreary gloom. Where you cannot face the day, yet alone the light. Too weak to even fix a smile. The second has once again cloaked itself around me, i've felt it extinguish the fase high i've been bouncing on over the last few days.

I sat in my bomb shelter. Looking over the remaining parts of carpet and mess strewn across it. The unstripped matress cover and bare bulb decorated with cobwebs. I disected my two slices of toast and hula hoops, ripping into small slices and slithers. Concentrating on the layering, the texture, the touch of fingers inside a crisp packet. Music blaring, keeping everyone and everything out. Whilst binging i can i eat with such fury and manic, yet i can also take my time, it depends what mood i am in. One thing i always do is cut everything up into little pieces. My meal will end up looking like a mash of different ingredients. I am finding it so difficult to stomach putting food into my mouth with my brother present. Even my mum, and especially my friends. My brother has become particuly judgemental. I know what he is thinking.

I hope Hayley is doing okay at her prom tonight. I am so worried about her as i know how she can be around alcohol. I just want her to have one special night where she is happy. She us such a doll and i feel so sad when i think about her hurting. I love her so much.

I'm going to go and stare out the window into the black, and wish i was somewhere else. Doing something else, being someone else. Chase away the feelings, i need a saviour but the air is silent.

playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello I�m your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello

if I smile and don't believe
soon I know I�ll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me I�m not broken
hello I�m the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly I know I�m not sleeping
hello I�m still here
all that's left of yesterday

-Evenescence