Saturday, Jun. 21, 2003/8:30 pm

suffocation

I had an argument with my Mum last night then laid in bed seething in the cradle of insomnia. I couldn't hold it in. Switch on a low light. Dig through my draws for the precious razor blade and tissues. Crawl back under the sheets, click the tone back to darkness so nobody knew i was still up. Start slowely, small scrapes over my thighs. Then furthur down, furthur across. The smooth blade sliding effortlessly through flesh. I didn't realise how much it was bleeding until i felt liquid on my hands but i didn't slow down. Biting my lip and letting tears escape in failure. After finding a grip, stopping, clearing up the wounds, i stayed awake till half past 3 this morning. Unable to shut down, listening to my discman, slipping through the words. My legs now covered in deep red lines, all over, stinging and burning. They're certain to scar.

I have had the house to myself this afternoon, so i went out and bought food then returned for a few binge sessions. Hurtling all my hurt and revolt down the toilet. Trying to feel whole, human, alive. An intense rush to fill the void, to cover the shame and scrape out the dying. Now i am left as cold and hunger fueled as before. Theres something missing inside. A patchwork of pieces, pieces and shades of devestation. Push them down, push them out, forget, refuse, turn, walk, pretend to forget. But you never can.

Alone in the theatre.

Drapes across the screen,

Sat on red, making up your own little play.

Tensing the characters and plotline between yout fists.

A place where angels are never destroyed,

and moonlight is never shadowed.

I've been having so many nightmares.

No more dreams, the truth haunting my rest.

Suffocating,

Air compressed through a paper bag.

Slowdownslowdowncount/take d e e p breathes through the smoke.

You sigh,

splutter,

cough,

but it's impossible,

mucus overload, fumes surround you.

Head pounding,

going under.

Drowning in fear, water to your knees.

Don't try anymore