Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2003/10:51 pm

ed apointment

Today was my apointment with the eating disorders unit. It was a short meeting. Just me and a specialist nurse. She asked me a few questions and told me about the different courses of treatment they offer. She tried to persuade me to have a full family assessment, but said as i'm 16 i can decide whos included. I'm going to have a think about it and she's ringing me on Thursday. I'm still petrified of speaking out when my every word could be hung on and scrutinized. I don't want to expose my safe little world. Closing in on my teritory, my comfort, that i have been hiding away for so, so long.

I felt quite uncomfotable when she was talking to me and kept averting my eyes from her face and round the room. Something started to crawl beneath my skin, reaching all my sore points. I tried to vent but found myself holding back. I guess thats how i expected it to be. She said that they aim to get underweight patients back to a bmi of 20+. I laughed inside my head at the sheer impossiblity of that. No way am i going to gain that much. Not now, not ever. I'm too heavy already, i feel it pulling me down.

Being told about eating normally again seemed so far away from this reality i've created. It's like being given a random object without a clue how to use it or how it works.

I've never felt so scared of losing this.

I will push myself though, a wavering hand on my back. I might just let my Mum come with me next time. Aprehension sits between my shoulders but i know i have to try and ignore it. I'm not completely committed but something has to change. I need to feel something besides gloom. Before it destroys me for the last time. My system is all but shut down and cut off.

I hope i can find a way out, if not now, somewhen.

How long till it all ends?

Will i ever be free?

Will it ever leave?

I wish i knew. I need a small spark of light to hold in these weathered hands.