Thursday, Jun. 26, 2003/9:40 pm

unpredictable

My moods have become split into two catagories. White or black. High pitched and falsely charged or low and dreary. I will feel the draught creep over me, climb into my insides that tingle away the short fused energy source. I know when the dip is coming, it's only so long before the wave crashes. Today i have spent a lot of the time crawled up in a foetal position on the sofa. Staring into the blue stitching and clawing at the seat. Not answering when i am called, not looking up. Not even eating much. Chewing at the remainder of a block of cheese, just for the sake of it. Hoping it would turn a switch back on. It didn't. And neither did the biscuits that followed.

I had that phonecall about my desision on the eating assesment. I talked to her and agreed that i would come, the 8th of July. When i had hung up i held my head in my knees and attempted to cry. It was pityful, no real tears, just bursts of sound, a face wrinkled, desperate to feel droplets down my skin. Desperate to know i'm alive, that i have water moving around inside me, with blood and not just pain. One damaging idea is becoming louder and louder, i am slightly numb to it, but partial to follow. It's a strong doubt, i do not want to go, i don't feel i can. I want to walk back. I feel unsafe. I'm so angry at myself for thinking like this. Being told of the long, detailed treatment process has managed to pin me against a hard wall and now i just want to shuffle past and out of sight. Back to the soft comfort of my protected disorder. I'm just...so unsure.

So many failures in my back pockets.

I can't let my voice be heard.

I've always been left at the end of the room.

Forever being asked 'pardon?' or 'what?' after hushed words, so quiet, so unimportant. I am not one of them, the girls who stand out with pink hair or glowing conversations.

I've been silent all my life. Confidence is a foreign word. I will never be able to banish the red glow of embarrasment and intense social fear.

Cheeks to round, belly to soft, flesh to thick. I'm scared that i won't fit into my prom dress tommorrow evening. Although i haven't gained weight i swear i've become larger. I take up to much space, space that isn't mine to take.

I have become fidgety and flustered again, i have an impulse to stab something or punch a wall or door. I cannot concentrate or sit still.

I need to get a fucking grip over myself.