Friday, Jun. 27, 2003/4:29 pm

prom night

I'm just going to eat then purge and get in the bath.

Soothing water ready to wash over these secret i hide.

Shampoo, condition my hair, pluck my eyebows. Sweep the sheen of makeup over my skin, fill in the pores and blot out the blemishes. White eyeliner dotted in the middle corner of each eye, a fake hit of light, subtle blush and cherry stained lips. Jade blossom mosturiser and purfume, sprayed over scarred wrists. A delicate amethyst jem strung on a chain round my neck. Silver shoes and contact lenses. Try to transform from dust to gleam.

My prom dress is hanging up in my room. I'm going to look so misplaced in it, it's too beautiful. I touch the fabric and hope my fingers don't burn a hole through the purple shimmer.

Tonight will be hard, i can tell. Everyone else is looking forward to it but i don't really know how i feel. Nervous, nervous about making a fool out of myself. Frightened of moving in haste of tripping, i don't want to talk to much, i talk such pointless rambles.

The three course meal is going to be so difficult. Three courses. People and food, people watching me and food. Most of them haven't seen me eat for about a year and a half. I can imagine i'll just pick at something and move it around alot. I can't be normal, i know i can't, i'd probably start to cry, but i don't want to draw attention to myself. Theres probably no place between those two. My disorders won this one, like usual. Taking from me again.

Frances is coming at 6.30, were getting there by silverstorm Rolls Royce. Just me and her, i wish Imo was here too. We always said we'd go in out little group. I don't know if i'll go on to any parties afterwards, i'm scared of drinking and becoming a mess. I'll probably just want to come home, breathe and b/p.

Lets hope i get through this okay. Drowning out the pain with glitter and stars.