Sunday, Jun. 29, 2003/12:58 am

jump

I survived the prom. Most of the time it was good, and at moments it was great but also very sad. I felt so masked, so covered up, there were points where i found myself sitting alone just trying to keep myself from spillting apart. I kept thinking about the last 5 years of school and what a mess i've made of it. The wasted hours, lessons, neglected coursework, purging in the maths corridor bathrooms, cutting with barely sharp safety scissors at break times when i became desperate. The frequent trips to the medical room, with a stomach ache, chest pain, head pounding, faint and dizzy. I looked around at my friends, all so beautiful. I am going to miss those who are going to other colleges, but still i can't help feeling that none of them know the real me. It's my fault, not theirs. They have left me behind because they had to, and i am not going to call them back. They deserve such happiness. Maybe one day they'll remember and wonder if i was a stranger, i don't think any of them realise how much pretending i do. How often i dodge between the lines of obscurity and complete invisbility.

I eat a few leaves of lettuce from the starter, then about a teaspoon full of chicken, with a couple of carrots. From desert i scraped a taste of the strawberry sauce, and licked a spot of chocolate parfait of the spoke of my fork. I purged the small amount i'd had after main course. Afterwards staring in the mirror at my blurry eyes ready to crash to the floor. Turning sideways to check i hadn't gained weight in the previous hour. With each portion i cut most of it up into tiny pieces on my plate, especially the chicken. I moved it around, trying to make a white space to give the impression i'd eaten more. By playing with my food, tearing it apart and focusing upon it i felt i had something in control. I wasn't giving in, i couldn't binge infront of people, i couldn't even manage proper mouthfulls infront of people. It was okay, my disorder was there to soothe me, calm my fears.

Near the end of the evening i went outside and stood by the railings. It was cold and breezy, i needed to get some air, away from the music and the conversations. I spilled a few tears because i knew that nobody would have even realised i had gone, i don't ever get followed, whereas they always are, by me. I care about them all so much. It suddenly hit me how much we have all grown and changed, some in postive ways, some in negative lights. It seems not so long ago we were starting year 7. I was scared because i was not in the same tutor group as Imo and Frances.

After the ball had ended, i did go out. Just wandered around for a while really with a few people, sat on the swings in the park. I eventually got home at 2.30. Started raiding the cupboards, emptied my stomach, then fell into bed at 4am. Today i've binged alot, spent money, drunk and drunk more diet coke as usual. I need some real sleep. I'm on a come down.

Concrete set, nails between fingers, bare stark windows.

Let me lie beneath the stone you walk upon. You won't be able to hear me breathing.

I want to look forward but it is no use, i know what i will see. If i can manage to see anything that is. Were supposed to be moving on but i can't when the only place i ever go is in the wrong direction.

I need a cure, take it all away.

I just wanted one night. One night where everything could be forgotten. Theres no chance for it to happen when your whole world revolves around destroying any slight happiness.

Bleeding on the floor, looking up at the sky. Dreaming that a jump could take you there.