Thursday, Jul. 03, 2003/11:54 pm

sealed

Holes have been cut into my skin, perfect round circles with sharp instruments, letting energy drip from sight, seep away into puddles. Shot with a gun, head dropped sideways, eyes fixed.

I am so shaky, recently i have accidently knocked and broken 3 plates, 2 bowls, a mug and a glass cup. I feel so helpless, never knowing what will happen next, or where i will misplace myself.

My weight is dropping quickly again, new bones reappearing. The clench of starvation round my throat. My ribs and chest really ache, a stiking pain pulling at my heart. I am so dehydrated, lips stuck together with gum. I keep throwing up drink alone just to get that rush, the relief of stomach contents spilling out of me. Mixes of soda, fizzy bubbles and fruit juice. I'm not binging as much, and when i do i'm getting rid of every last inch.

Earlier my Mum said '"last week you looked a bit happier...now you just look moody again" Well, i was acting for her, i was smiling in my leavers ball photographs for everyone else, i fed myself fast acting spirits that wore away after a while.

Earlier, one my my friends, who only lives down the road, rang me. Asking if i wanted to go round her house because she was bored. I went, for a couple of hours, then made an excuse to leave because i couldn't stand my voice any longer. Talking lies and conversation that boils down to nothing in my perspective. I hate silence when i am with other people but thrive on it when i am on my own, in my own space.

Blue torture, smothered clarity. A tunnel sealed tight.

I'm going to go tip my thoughts into the sand.

Escape to a place where i don't have to walk, talk or hear myself breathing.

Lie between the covers and try to clear my cluttered head.