Saturday, Jul. 12, 2003/10:31 pm

stone cold

Nearly 4 days since i last updated.

Just needed to say i'm still here. In vision, even if not in self.

I feel so cold, stone cold, left for dead holding dried roses, petals curled and faded.

I look very pale today. Using up alot of the time sleeping, even if not intending to. I lay down for a short rest and then wake up hours later.

I'm naseous whenever i eat or drink, yet i'm still managing to binge. I'll be alone all night, and tomorrow, though the sickness lining my stomach is drying some of the cravings out.

My heart isn't coping, it's worrying me slighly. This afternoon, i went out for a short walk to pick up the Saturday newspaper and some salad. I kept having to stop to regain my breath, at one point i sat down in a bus station and watched my chest rising up and down, beating so fast. I have screwed myself up beyond repair. I'm just waiting for the next crack.

Drink after drink after drink. I'm going to have trouble explaining this when they come back.

If i was to die tonight, fall away in sleep. My body caving in to the stress and strain, what would be found? The house a mess, kitchen overloaded with pans, plates, cutlery, containers and packaging. Microwave uncleaned, floor unswept. Of corse i plan to tidy it all before anyone returns. Computer desk littered with wrapper debris, the remains of mugs of tea, a light brown film resting at the bottom of china. I'll leave the bathroom to your imagination.

Working in blues, blacks and greys. A sculpture, set, rigid, hard, unreal, dented with sharp scalpuls.