Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003/12:26 am

here again

Here again, lit by the night, trying to script my tangled thoughts.

I've been so very low, and then better by some. It's hard to explain whats been happening, i'm not sure i even know myself.

I had a very awful night at the weekend, i think it was Saturday. Really high blood sugars, involuntary puking, heart pain, near passing out. I woke up the next morning 79 pounds, weak, alone, and scared. Yet, it forced me to make a decision. I will try to have a go at ip if they send me. I have no other options left, that's the plain harsh truth.

I am so fearful of letting people down, of letting myself down, again.

I haven't been online so much lately. It has given me a chance to step back, and look around. Breathe in normalicy without inhaling. Today i wore pretty clothes, i fought though my low confidence and wore what i wanted without backing out. It was so good, i felt good.

My stomach is very sensitive. I wasn't actually eating for about 3 days because i couldn't keep much more than a fistfull of food down. I was just eating small amounts and throwing it straight back up. It's slightly improved but i'm still bloated. My mouth has been peeling because i am so dehydrated.

Ice skating tommorrow for a friends birthday. Shouldn't be to painful, hopefuly.