Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003/9:54 pm

anger

Based on what i've just heard my brothers just smashed up his room.

I'm so frightened, of him, of this.

I was in the bath, after just purging, suddenly theres lots of crashing, banging, shattering, clenched fists plumetting through wood. I shouted, asking him what he was doing but no answer. Leaving the water, i flung a towel around myself and knocked on his door. Vague answers, he's had an argument with his girlfriend. I don't know what to do, i ask if he's okay, to which he replies 'leave me alone, leave me in peace'

Once back in the bath, i gasp a few tears then shakily grasp the razor sitting on the ledge beside me. I think for a split second, listening to a mixture of destructive noise from the other side of the wall, then plunge the metal blade through my thigh. It's slippery but i watch as blood starts to sink through the lines. I end up with a few wounds there and one on my stomach. It's not terrible but i feel like i've let myself down so much.

Angry red skin, which has been white and untouched for weeks.

I have no idea how to approach this. Whether to try to talk to him again or leave it. My mum is out.

It brought back memories of my Dad when he became worked up, when he cracked, his raised voice, streaming out of temper.

I don't know if i want to see what he's done in there.

-----

Okay, my Mum came home a while ago. I told her what happened and she went in his room. Gasped, stared shocked and called me over. He's lying face down on his bed. The room is trashed, cd rack and cases demolished. Drawers half way across the floor, spilling out contents. Shards of plastic and glass everywhere, posters torn down, even the lamp hanging lopsided from the ceiling. At first he said nothing then he said little.

It doesn't even seem he's been to work today, he's a wreck. It seems like some sort of bad joke.

In the middle of so much chaos. I need a place to hide, somewhere deep, so i can't hear the sounds or the shouts. Where i can find my rest. Where being lost in the dark is okay.

I can't believe i caved in to cutting. I thought i was ready to leave that in my past forever. I can't determine what i'll react to next, what will be the catalyst for my next fall. I just hope it was a one off slip.

I can't look anyone in the eyes right now. I feel like it's all my fault. I've split the family to shreds. I ruined everything. I'm to blame. I shouldn't be here.

Take me away.