Monday, Aug. 04, 2003/7:31 pm

swallow

Everyone in this family just avoids anything important. Sweep it under the carpet and keep your lips shut. Try to keep it within these walls. No one mentions last night, hush now, it doesn't matter. But i didn't imagine it. This morning is as normal as it could be. Lets just act like it never happened. If it did, it was just a book flying through the air right? Of corse. Pull it together, were not disfunctional at all. Look, see, all good, all sorted. No need to scream.

The self inflicted cigerrette burn on his hand left red and sore. I know it will never completely fade, i have a perfectly round stub on my left arm from about a year ago. He won't tell us the full details, why, exactally what they were arguing about on the phone, just that he's 'had enough'.

It's going to take ages for him to sort out the room, he had to clear enough space just to sleep in there last night, then left for work at 8 this morning. He apoligised for frightening me but i probably won't ever forget this. It's one of those moments that stay with you, high intensity, exculating worry and panic. I just hope he'll be okay, i do care about him despite our raging differences. He is my brother afterall.

My cuts are worse than i thought. 14 visible scarlet slits. Then a few more swipes that did not manage to draw blood. They glare and sting.

I'm eating and eating and eating, more and more. I've scoffed down anything i can get my flustered grasp upon. Swallow it down before the bad thoughts rush in. I can't find any other way to deal with how i'm feeling right now. Theres no use in even trying. Disgusted in this permanant state of nothingness.

Tommorrow i will see Imo, for the first time in a whole year. She is staying at Frances's for the week again. It will be really good to be able to talk to her face to face. I want to give her the biggest hug and tell her i've missed her so much. When she saw my prom photos she was shocked by my weight, i don't know how she'll react presented with the full picture. Even though in my view i'm still fucking fat, i'll never forgive myself or let it go if i don't manage to reach lower than 79.

I think i'm going to go lay down for a while, or continue with my current read 'Memoirs of a Geisha' My chest hurts and i'm all lopsided and wrong footed. Amongst a delirious state. I need to wind down, with a glass of diet coke and three cubes of ice.