Saturday, Aug. 16, 2003/11:10 pm

yellow

My electric blue eyeshadow is smudged halfway across a ghostly face, along with remenants of mascara and once carefully applied liner.

I look like i've been crying but i've just been purging to the extreme. My alternate method of pushing it all out and away.

I stole money from my Mum and bought a takeaway tonight when everyone had left. I am an evil daughter, filthy and vile. I didn't even get through all of the pizza, started to feel really naseous and had to stop. I flushed the leftovers down the toilet, didn't know where else to despose of it without a chance it would be found. They would surely have ended up there anyway if i had contiued eating. An empty haagen daaz ice cream container sits on the computer desk infront of me. Smudges of chocolate and vanilla mark the wood and rim of the cup i have been using.

The trousers i am wearing are so loose. I keep standing on the bottom of them and having to pull up the wastband, securing them with a unsupporting material belt. I had to wear these this evening because all my other pairs are in the wash. I remember i time when they fitted me, well, sort of. Why does this matter? I can't believe i actually mentoned that.

I look like i've been sucking dark blood. Bearing the frost of purple over my lips. My gaze is out of focus, everything has a strange tint and keeps swerving into flecks. Earlier after throwing up, i sat on the edge of the bath and stared at my shaking hands. I am still shaking now.

The thirst is in another league entirely. My mouth is so dry, even seconds after downing orange juice and lemonade in one go. I keep thinking that i need a tube that pumps liquid, sodas, straight down my throat continously. I know i'm going to be waking up several times through the night, scrambling to the fridge to try and break the seal of crusted glue. Afterwards it immediatly starts to return, spread it's way over my tongue. Like i have only obtained one drop of water, when really i have guzzled half a bottle. I return into bed and fall back into sleep only to go through the same ritual just an hour or so later. Until my breathing starts to get to heavy, heartbeak to quick, then i give in and take a shot of insulin. A small dose to bring my blood sugars down a little. I will need enough energy to make it to the shops tommorrow, to obtain some more diet coke once i have drunk what we have here.

I really need to lie down before i have no choice over the matter. I can't see properly at all, it's all yellow, and my head keeps flopping to the side, seriously. I feel like i've been slapped really hard and i can't piece my vision back together.

I've added a link to my picturetrail account in the dropdown menu. It's just photos from my prom for now, when i was about 89 pounds. I'll hopefuly be able to scan some newer images soon and add them. It's scary to reveal myself like this, but i consider so many of you as dear friends now.

Goodnight everyone xxx