Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003/9:14 pm

revelations

I need a hold,

a coloured piece of string,

a meaningful moment,

shimmer of light.

but theres nothing.

I am nothing.

I feel nothing,

but emptiness.

Emptiness, hunger, for all that is missing.

I eat, purge, I sit, pause, eat, purge.

Watching avidly through the window as if looking for an escape.

I found out my Dad had a gambling problem earlier. Plus some of the reasons my parents divorced, how they got to the point of not being able to stand in the same room. I asked my mum about it after she mentioned something fleeting. I always knew he had a slight problem but not how extreme it was. He betted away �15,000 of a loan intended for building our house extension and that was the last straw. On the night my My Mum was giving birth to Matthew he took the money she'd left him from groceries and wasted it on his addiction, when a relative went round to see him they were horrified that he had no food in the cupboards at all. He was also a bully, but i'd figured that one myself. He gave my Mum �15 out of her wages each week to buy what she wanted and took the rest himself from their joint bank account. He treated himself to expensive suits, golf equipment, everything he wanted. Whilst my Mum trawled charity shops and did car boot sales. He made her pay petrol if she wanted to drive to see anyone. He allocated a certain amount of cash each week for the supermarket run, and if she went over it came out of the �15. I was realy shocked to hear all this. It must have been terrible. As he earned the most salary he thought himself more important and more intitled. I am quite certain he was abusive too, physically and mentally. I can imagine him calling her stupid just like he does to me.

It's ironic, i realised he actually met his current girlfriend in a betting shop. He obviously still depends upon it. I'm trying hard not to think about the connection between his issues and mine. The complete lack of control. Now i know i wish i didn't. I just don't get why he is how he is. I guess there will be reasons.

Another blood test today. I was faint afterwards because of the amount they had to take. They are sending off a lot of samples. I should get the results soon. Tommorrow i have another apointment in London. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I keep picking at the skin around my fingernails. I've always had a habit of doing it when i was anxious but recently i've become obsessive about. Using tweezers and tearing away at the loose flesh. They are now sore and weeping, two look quite infected. When i had a bath today i plunged my hands into the water and let out a scream from such pain. I don't know if you could consider it a weaker form of self harm, i think i'm being completly stupid. Who the hell would do this? Cutting, burning, pulling your hair out, all applicable, dangerous and commonly known. I don't understand myself. I'm a freak. Not as if i haven't thought that before. This just makes me more of one. I can't ever tell anyone about this. It doesn't matter anyway, it shouldn't leave any real damage.

Shine your glowbeam into my eyes,

Pull my eyelashes sideways and search for life.

A figure moving over the white, black and blue, a sense, a twinkle.

Admit defeat. No one is hear anymore.

Look above and see the fog, lingering above the sunrise.