Thursday, Aug. 28, 2003/9:58 pm

selfish

Yesterday night i was preparing a sandwich for the start of a binge. Smothering it thick with butter and mayonaise, with a generous layer of cheese. My Mum then enters the kitchen, as i begin to slice cucumber. She comments, she remarks on the size of my 'snack' Then comes the accusations and the name calling, greedy, selfish, disgusting, quite rightly i guess. A cold hatred starts to spread over me, harsh, bleak self hatred. Chanting in my ears and guilt challenging my threshold. In a knee jerk reaction i pick up my culinary creation and chuck it in the bin with the commentary 'fine then'. Suddenly she turns, from warm to raging. Hits me across the back of the head, pushes me upstairs and in the meanwhile down onto the stairs with a thud. I started crying and didn't stop until i fell asleep. Her shouts so loud i tried to block it all out by shutting my eyes, tried to stem the tears by not letting them through, but the image didn't vanish at all.

This morning was nearly as bad. We were not talking more than slight words. Hunger challenging and scratching at my stomach, but i held back. The last thing i wanted was to eat. After her words 'stop wasting my food!' and 'i can't believe i raised such a selfish child' I just couldn't bare it. We had to go out to buy my college books and stationary. She told me to have some breakfast or we weren't going to leave the house, so i discreetly made up a bowl of cereal and took it upstairs. When i thought she was safe out of the way i poured it down the toilet. The problem is she wasn't out of the way, she was listening out of sight. More smacks and insults. She ordered me to eat infront of her. I managed a small amount of rice krispies with a drip of milk. I had to keep this down, but suprisingly i've already lost a pound today.

Later, lectures and silences on the journey to town by car. Sometimes the only sound was that of crying, gentle salty droplets caressing my face. Mascara smudged in lines across my glasses and cheeks. The more upset i got, the more power she seemed to gain. The stronger she grew, as though feeding off the sight of my torment and embarrasment. At one point she said to me 'your just not a very nice person' I have light bruising on my shoulders and right arm from where she struck and grabbed hold of me so hard, her hand pinching at my skin.

I am trapped in a house i don't want to life in anymore.

With a family who hates me.

In a body i cannot stand to posess.

You just don't think of anyone else, or else you wouldn't binge, take a minute to consider others you little bitch.

//I'm so, so sorry. I am...an awful person. But i can't control it, it's not me anymore, i don't want to hurt people, really i don't. I wish i could just make everyone happy, so happy that they do not notice my unhappiness.//

The hospital is making excuses, trying to shift the blame about why that letter was sent. At first we were told it was a clerical error, that the envelope wasn't supposed to get to us. Now they've changed the story, apparently only some of the assesment was confidential, that i should have known. The point is that i didn't, they failed to mention that but instead added that it was completely private. I'm am paranoid of everyone and everything now, wondering if they set up the whole conspiracy from the very beginning of treatment. I'm also unsure of my own mind, as if i've been completely stupid and imagined the whole confidence breach. This always happens to me when my point is challenged, i start to question what i am thinking. Tommorrow i have a doctors apointment with my GP to maybe discuss furthur options and receive my blood test results.

I am so worn out, swept of my sanity and stamina in one go. I keep sleeping during the day, but little at night.

I don't know how to react to how i'm feeling at the moment.

I want to fill myself full and empty it away but i don't know if i can be bothered with the risk. I purged dinner by going in the bath and b/p'd once whilst we were out when i was alone. I have a gap inside me. An angry hole sustained by loathing and revoltion. My immediate reaction to that is to reach for toast, crisps, leftovers, cereal, edible items that will aid in forgetting, just for a moment or two. Just to bring some pain, some weakness, watery senses and backwards motion. Just to put everything into perspective, back to to dull calm. I need to feel human, but i don't know if i can. I am less than a person.

I know there are people worse off in this world. I may be blocked by a two way mirror but i am still aware that i wrongly stuck on the smaller scale. I am wasting my opportunities, people are starving unwillingly and i am throwing nutrition deliberatly away. I don't need to be told this, in relivance to a certain guestbook entry. I've heard it so many times before, shouldn't i be listening? i am, i know, i agree, i really do. I just think that you can only understand what i'm caged in if you've been this deep yourself. Yes, there is a key to unlock the bars from around me, but i am paralysed in frozen fear, locking me numb, i cannot click it into the latch. I sank through the mud so far ago and now i'm in different teritory. My fingernails are laden with dirt but i cannot climb.

It's too far,

too hard,

and i'm too far gone.

Don't ever light a candle for me.

Light one for those who deserve it.

So much smashed beauty around me. I am an ugly worthless, waste who does not belong.

I just want to be allowed to suffer,

in my own mess.

Theres so much to struggle through, for me to even concider trying to get better. I'm taking tiny steps, but atleast i am not in denial anymore. I was for so long before.

I can now admit i have a problem. In my view, that is progress.