Friday, Aug. 29, 2003/11:53 pm

disaster - away for a week

I've had a horrible day.

First the doctors, blood test results. My sodium percentage and liver function have both worsened. I am having another test on them soon, and if they conclude worse yet again i may have to go into hospital for a short stay. My HBA1C which is a routine check for diabetics checking blood level stability, was 13.7, it is suposed to be 7.0. I am actually quite pleased, thinking it would be higher, but nobody else is. I might have to discuss the situation if it doesn't improve, with my peadiatrician who i really don't like. I've always found him creepy and intrusive, not sure why really. I also recieved a prescription for the antidepressents Lustral/Sertraline. I have never tried any before, i will start taking them in the morning and see if my mood has improved at all in two or three weeks time.

Next, i need fuel, a push, a sugar high, sweets, chocolates, patries, icing or doghnuts laced with cherries. I go out on persuit. To a supermarket i don't usually go to, but i want i change of scenery. Searching the shelves for the perfect fix, taste, an inviting tease. Picking up and putting things down, counting money, watching out for the presence of anyone who knows me. Finally i decide on a pack of white chocolate cookies and a whole iced carrot cake.

Then lightening stuck.

I stood in the que ready to pay. Suddenly i see Cassie and Frances, Cassie is walking towards me, and waving.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

The room is spinning, images rushing past, i have no idea how to react. I just mutter 'i'll speak to you later' She looks puzzled and tries to see what i am buying but i attempt hide the food from her view. She seems to figure i'm panicing and so turns around and leaves. Quickly, in a haze, in fright, not thinking of the shoppers around me, i shove everything i was concealing beneath the converyor belt and head back to one of the aisles. Why not out of the automatic doors opposite, i do not know.

They spot me again. By this point i am seriously shaking and feel ready to burst into tears at any moment. I stand staring at them unable to move or speak. I want to become invisible. I can't look at them directly, i'm completely and utterly humilated. I would be humiliated if they had seen me with any sort of food let alone a whole carrot cake.

Eventually i manage to make my way over to them. It's incredibley awkward. Pety conversation, looking at the pavement grooves beneath my feet. Replying flustered to questions such as "so what were you doing in there?', with "um...browsing" They commented on how pale and how out of it i appeared. To which i just sort of nodded my head and glanced past them. Biting my lip, I couldn't let them look straight into my dirt stained eyes.

I hastly made an excuse to leave. Then literally turned around and start to run, i can't remember where i stopped. I was so numb and shocked i couldn't even cry despite the crashing within me.

I am deeply embarrassed. Distressed, as though they had broken my barriers down and i no longer felt covered. They know i have an eating disorder, that i'm classed as anorexic but that i purge. I do not think they have ever understood the extent of my binging. I definatly know they're oblivious to the way i spend obscene amounts of money per week on objects to stuff myself full of and chuck back up again down the toilet pan. They would be disgusted, who wouldn't? i am.

They must think i'm such a greedy, fat glutton. Desperate, a freak.

To top it all off. On the way back home, my Mum stopped on the way back home to get some cigerettes. I went into the shop with her planning to discreetly buy some chocolate. As i am holding about 7 bars i see my brothers friend, Nick, walking through the doors. The certain person i have a huge crush on, if thats the right way to describe it despite sounding like a nine year old. He's usually so sweet and easy to talk to, i'll never forget the time he said i looked 'pretty amazing' on my prom night. I screw the whole opportunity up, muttering randomness about anything i can think of. He must think i'm totally weird now.

It's just been a disaster. I want to hide forever. Atleast i'll be getting away from here tommorrow so i won't have to see anyone for a while. I'm going on holiday, just to the coast in Exmouth for a week. Nothing too exciting, i'm going with just my Mum and her boyfriend. My brother is working. I'm actually quite dreading the whole thing, especially coping with my eating whilst being in such close quarters. I'm going to explore on my own alot, wander round the small villages and sit in little coffee shops or bakers, anywhere serving meals or snacks will do, with attainable toilets. I will have to cut down on binging though if i can help it. I can't afford to get caught again, my Mum's boyfriend has told her that if 'he sees it, or hears it, or smells it, i'm in trouble' What exactally that means i don't intend to find out.

I'll really miss you all, it's only 7 days but i am going to worry alot. Maybe i'll be able to find an internet cafe somewhere. Till then, look after yourselves. xxxxxxx