Wednesday, Sept. 03, 2003/4:32 pm

holiday

I found an internet cafe.

I need to write. I'm not coping very well, i feel so unhappy here. Cramped and alienated. Trying to keep up with a normality that i am not used to. Mealtimes are stressful, along with the smile i struggle to keep, just to please everyone else.

I'm constantly lying. Promising, engineering convincable stories in my head, as elaborate and fictional as possible. The words leave my mouth before i've even had a chance to think.

My Mum caught me purging once, which was pretty horrific but i haven't kept anything down for the whole stay and she obviously doesn't know that. I've also skipped food when i can get away with it. I got into a really awkward situation Monday night, by blocking the shower drain with vomit. It was disgusting and i got myself into such a state. Thankfuly in the end it started sucking it all back down again, after having to transport the dirty water over to the sink. I spent about three quaters of an hour in there cleaning it up and trying to get rid of the strong smell.

I'm so frustrated without having any scales. When i'm used to repeating the same test of purity at an obsessive rate each day, this is really getting to me. I need to know what number i am standing at. I think i've lost weight since we arrived though, My blood sugars are being kept at a constant high.

I'm drinking alot of alcohol and sleeping very little.

I don't want to go swimming because i can't let myself be seen in a swimming costume.

Every resteraunt or bar treat poses the question; how will i purge?

Every morning i try to get up before anyone else to arrange my fake breakfast. A few crushed shreddies, dash of milk, along with a spoon and bowl.

I wish i could enjoy this but so much gets in the way.

Theres alot of small shops and pretty landscaping. Were actually in Dartmouth, not Exmouth like i said. I really don't listen much. Also, many bakeries and old fashioned sweet shops which i've made full use of.

I better go, hope everyone is alright. I haven't got enough time to reply to notes or e-mails, my half an hour is up.

I'll be back Saturday morning.