Sunday, Sept. 07, 2003/8:27 pm

dark red

Since getting back yesterday morning all i've really done is sleep. The complete lack of nutrients and low spirits have left me stripped of energy. I haven't managed much more than slow trips to the fridge and back for drinks.

I avoided eating whilst we were away. I binged a few times, out on my own, but for the majority i just took little bites of meals, hid toast and sandwiches in my room and threw them out later. Purged alot, in many different places, public toilets with broken doors that don't lock. I only injected small traces of insulin now and then, kept my mouth clogged with cotton and heart beating like a drum on overdrive. To make my Mum think i was taking it properly on each occasion, i went out of view and squirted the cloudy liquid into a diet coke bottle so she could hear the noise.

My weight has slipped back below eighty.

I can't control the shaking and shivering.

Throwing up alot of blood again, it started on Wednesday. I thought it was bad last time but this is even worse. The last pieces of food swimming in a pool of dark red. Dark, deep, almost brown in colour which i know is a bad sign. The vile taste upon my tongue and pain through my throat, a realisation that i might have torn or ripped something inside.

Dying to be able to keep living.

Hurting to feel.

Starving to breathe.

I start college tommorrow. I'm not prepared, i'm weak and fading.

I just hope i can make it through the day, the week, and the year.