Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2003/10:07 pm

college and balance

I came here to write about how college has been, but that seems pointless after reading my guestbook.

I know what people will be thinking as they scan these very words, everyones scared for me, and i am too.

So many people, readers, you, telling me i should be in hospital.

I'm tired and i just don't know what to say.

It's ridiculous how lonely i feel with so many faces around. On the bus coming home this afternoon i hardly spoke a word to anyone, wrapped up inside. Unable to let my voice out.

The blood has cleared up so it seems, hopefuly to last. The battery on my scales ran out, but i eventually got to weigh myself again today. Found out it's pretty much maintained itself, no loss, or gain. I've also been relying on minimal insulin doses. I'm balancing, it's okay, i'm treading water, trying to keep concentration on whats important. My b/ps have really died down alot.

Please try not to worry. Please. I just can't offer anymore that this. I don't know what else to do except keep walking, slow when i'm struggling, quick when i'm strung on an empty high.

The subjects i'm doing are all good so far. Especially english literature and psychology. I have to focus on keeping up to date and not falling behind, i can't let that happen otherwise everything is sure to eventually collapse around me.

I wonder if they can tell just by looking at me. At the limp, thining hair, dull complexion, eyes trying to focus through dimmed grey. Sores around my mouth, smiling to cover so many deep, dark, shameful secrets.

Just block it out, keep pretending, stay quiet. Swallow it away, sit back and sip diet coke whilst staring through canteen windows. Whilst others talk and eat lunch.

I want to be someone completely different, new, exciting, confident, outgoing, like so many glowing characters i've come across. But i am none of that. I am shy, and odd, and ill.