Monday, Sept. 15, 2003/9:41 pm

she speaks

I'm alive.here.sitting.staring.breathing.sighing.

Trying to get to a point that makes some means of sense.

I guess,

i'm just taking each day as it comes. Cautioning myself through the harsh winds.

The work is starting to mount up already. I just hope it doesn't become too much to handle. I'm studying during free periods in college, instead of waiting till i'm home which gives me a bit extra free time. Hours are long and draining, by the 4.15pm finish i'm shattered. Still, i have the returning bus trip and walk to get through before i can lay safely in the comfort of my room. I'm so worried of failing this.

I can't let it go.

My weight took a landslide. Dropped quickly and dramatically, to 77 pounds. Five and a half stone. This morning i was back up to 78 for some unfortunate reason. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'm just going to see what happens. I'm so obsessed with stepping on those scales.

The blood is still surfacing. It might have never left, i'm not sure. I think it's just a case of going furthur, until the flow of thick dark red is triggered. It comes up so acidic i usually splutter and gag. I have a doctors apointment on Wednesday, i'm considering discussing it then.

I don't eat at college,

I don't really talk much either.

I drink alot of diet coke and chew mint gum to try and fade the taste of ketones.

Sometimes i think people must look at me, so closed and cold, and perhaps ponder what i'm thinking about. What these empty eyes are trapping. But they will never know.

Windows that can't let the slighest breeze pass through them.

I'm not sure when i'll next update. I'm so exhausted from rushing from place to place, having to look right and speak right. Look decent and act finefinefine. As fine as i can master, appearing at the state i am in. I barely have moments to spare. I do promise though, that tommorrow i'll be back online to answer e-mails/ notes/ guestbook entries. I have lots to catch up on. Don't think i've forgotten any of you. There's lots of love, thankyou's and compliments i need to spread. Cast my admirations afloat to fighting angels.