Saturday, Sept. 20, 2003/11:09 pm

under

Lips scraped with set candle wax, scaled and flaked, deprived of moisture. Tip the cup back and start to sip, slow at first, but then quicker, desperately trying to soothe the deyhdration. Laying the glass down with a thud and a gasp. Heart sounding fast and deep, a drum on overdrive, a body overstressed. Clumsily search for my meter, hands sifting under clothes and mess, eventually clasping the tiny blue machiene. Prick my finger, and spill a drip of blood into the small round indent on the testing strip. 5 seconds. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

HI

What was the point? The familiar signal of danger, the signal unregistered. The signal i always choose to ignore. I remember there was a time when i never even realised you could fall off the scale. Now i'm lucky if i'm ever within shot of any sort of normal range.

I can't fight this disorder, when i'm still fighting myself.

I'm a state, i really am a state at the moment.

Working alot, sleeping even more. Moving around on low energy, trying not to think intensely because if i do i'll probably start to unravel. I didn't give myself a break at all Friday at college, studied in the library all through lunch, and free periods. Avoided everyone, crashed as soon as i got home.

I've stopped using those anti depressents because they haven't been working. Seems they've actually been making me worse, i've been so lethargic and felt no better at all. In the leaflet it states that you shouldn't take them if your either diabetic, or have liver function problems which obviously both apply to me. When this was pointed out to my doctor she appeared dismayed but concerned. She's going to look into it, i should be given another course of pills to try.

I haven't been eating much really. Sometimes just purging dinner when i have a bath or just one or two b/ps in the evening. I feel constantly sick, naseous. My weight managed to drop down to 73, but now has settled at about 75. I feel much more restraint around food, i don't want to be near it.

I had such a horrible experience earlier in the bath. My hair has been falling out for ages, i've been well aware, just as everyone else in the house. Auburn and brown strands left everywhere from floors to down plugholes. Tonight it was just frightening, and revolting. I was rinsing out the shampoo and pulled away a section, then more, and more, suddenly a huge handful. I just stared, shocked, catching sight of my blue toned toenails through the water.

My skin is so, so dry. Like stretched pumice stone, a white, webbed trail. The area between my fingers sore and red. My outside feels coated in paper, not flesh.

Skipping between temptations of life and death.

Throw the dice and hope to be lucky.

&i still don't know how this happened. [blind]

I'm under.

Under all levels,

i ever thought there was to drop to.