Monday, Sept. 22, 2003/9:33 pm

spinning

Fresh unexplainable bruises, and several more bald patches. Comb over the exposed flesh, fill in the missing spaces. Cover my eyes with dust and glow. Keep my dry hands from view and voice from opinion.

I started crying at college today during lunch break. I was so embarrassed but couldn't pull the emotion back. I never usually cry in public. I sat so alone, yet with other people, gripped by hunger, watching everyone around me eat and socialise, talk and communicate completely unworried about calories or fat. Tucking into cheese burgers with ten pence packets of ketchup, chicken salad sandwiches and nescafe hot chocolates with whipped cream and a flake. Yet i have never had the courage to take one sip furthur than a diet coke or 7up light within anyones view. The realisation hit me, just how sick i am, just how sick this is, the way i am living. Before i could stop it the tide started to fall. I got out of the canteen as soon as i could, found somewhere to sit and wipe away smudged mascara.

I had a hospital apointment this afternoon. Thankfuly the nurse didn't have access to my notes. Meaning she didn't realise i've actually dropped about a stone in weight since the last check. I was so detatched from her words, conversation and questions. Just kept repeating 'i don't know' and staring past her. Strung out intentions involving meal plans and councilling, talking on the phone and regular out-patients meetings. I'm petrified that they are going to make me leave all i know behind. To be honest i don't even think i'm going to make it back next time.

I have such an instinct to run from help. Rushed reactions to an overwhelming concept. Ready to leave her calls unanswered, ringing into the answer machine with no reply. Ignore the letters and flee to my own dark haven of comfort. She gave me a sheet to fill in at home, when i left, detailing my attitudes on benefits and drawbacks to changing these behaviors. I was defeated and conquered by fatigue and tears by this point. On leaving the building, out into the sudden cold attack of rain, i walked dazed into the toilet nearby and got rid of the piece of paper into the sanitary disposal unit. I think that says everything really.

I've been castaway on a broken raft.

The tie i have to normality is as bleak as a winters funeral.

Crystaline snowdrops settle over what used to be.

And what's to come rests unturned, ready to be mixed with crimson. Crimson i continue to spill.

For now just let me sleep the hurt away, turn over to tommorrow and send the thoughts spinning sideways.