Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003/2:16 am
just one night left
Hey.
I'm only back for tonight. Before leaving for in-patients tomorrow.
I don't think they ever intended to let me home after the weekend like i was told. I'm so gullible. They weren't even going to allow these few hours of freedom but at the end of a long protest the desision was turned around.
I've been writing so much. So many feelings. It's been a companion, and every time i wrote i was directing it towards you all here at diaryland. I've missed you all alot.
I don't really know how to explain all that's happened so I'll let the following links do that. Just click bellow on the dates to take you to the varied events of that day. There will probably be loads of repetition and confusion. My moods have been thrown across the table and so many different colours have appeared. Everything is included through the links. It's a lot to take in though, i wouldn't blame you if you passed on reading it all! I got hold of a notebook and pen on Sunday so the entries begin there and gradually move through the whole stay. I seriously couldn't stop scribbling.
My care plan reads:
Diagnoses/formulation Anorexia/Bulimia Nervosa. Requiring in-patient treatment on ****** ward, ********** hospital, ******.
Risk Assessment/level of risk High due to history of risky behavious around chaotic insulin control. Severe restriction and self induced vomiting. History of self harming behaviours.
Risk factors Starvation/Self harm/Self induced vomiting/Chaotic insulin control.
Since being back i've binged and purged as much as i could have. I'm quite sure my blood sugars are high, and i've discovered that i did manage to lose weight. I stand at 72-73. I might be less by morning. I want to take a photo of myself so i can look back on it later, then maybe i'll be able to see what everyone else can. But times up. The sands run down. I have to start moving forwards. Otherwise i'll be dead. As blunt as it sounds.
Three significant words can describe the gist of how i am:
Lost
Lonely
Scared
And there's going to be much more to come. I'm trying to prepare myself but still don't really know what to expect. I can't protest anymore. They've taken the sword out of my hands.
They do have internet access in ****** ward but i won't be able to use it too regularly, especially during the first two weeks. I will update whenever i can though.
Everyone, please take care. If you want to write to me ask Hayley for the hospital address.
No words left.
Thoughts from the last nine days:
xoxoxox
* I could almost cry like tears of blood
* and slowly it evaporates
* without a scar without a trace
* Sometimes too blue the moment passes
* overhead so undetected
* without default with no perfection
* I could close my eyes & sleep forever
* locked inside a secret silence
* whisper deep into my head
* Rewind erase and nothing remains
* the way that nothing ever does