Sunday, Oct. 26, 2003/10:56 pm

blue

I want to describe how i'm feeling, how i'm really feeling, tear a hole in my heart and bleed the story through. I'm so numb, unable to place opinions or meanings, seperate right from wrong, good from bad, backwards from forwards. Crawling on my knees through a tunnel which just seems to be never ending. Icy tears leaking the only remaining life from inside, stretching in streams down my sunken cheeks.

I sit here blue, dizzy, exhausted, broken. What's changed? Aside from the few extra pounds, meal plan laying on the dining room table, extra guilt eroding my defences.

I'm just home for tonight, then back to in patients tommorrow evening before night-snack at 9pm. I wish i didn't have to ever set foot in that place again. I feel like a caged animal, i want to scream to be let out but i can't. Locking the pain away like it doesn't exist, keeping polite and hushing the anger.

Eating has to be one of the hardest parts, of corse it was always going to be, i knew that. Fat spilling through to my body, imagining my weight rising without a stop sign. Terrified of every Monday and Thursday, when at 7am you dress in a hospital gown and stand upon the electric block whilst a nurse delivers your progress. Worth measured in kilograms.

At first, for a week a half i was put on a little less than the standard half portions, because i'd been keeping practically nothing down for a long time. From here they hit me with a rise to just under full portions. Usually they let you climb gradually, starting with an increase at breakfast or added fruit juice at lunch, but with me they had to do it differently. Apparently. to keep changing my insulin would be too dangerous. So it had to be arranged in two blocks, each followed by a settling period, instead of a steady incline. Even though, in the end i will reach full portions later that most others do, it's been so overwhelming so far. I'm still not quite there yet, the final step approaching in the week ahead. I don't know if i can handle it.

The sudden rise in intake has been so difficult, bloated and full after each meal i shut my eyes wishing the ground could swallow me up. Even the half potions felt way too much, after all i've been used to is emptiness. It's upsetting sometimes, having to be treated differently because of the diabetes. None of the nurses are particularly trained properly to understand it, and my sugar levels have been awful. Alternating randomly, dropping severely during the night, all the way down to 1.7 at one point. Waking up in cold sweats, shaking, blurred vision, distant footsteps clumsily walking to the ward office before the world turns over. On other occasions it lapses to the other end of the scale, disturbed with thirst and the unexplainable results in the range of 20. Later comes the questions, interigation, suspisions of excercise when the lights are turned down. They choose to be ignorant and not see that the varied diet, even though balanced in calories, changes alot from day to day in regards to glucose content. I could keep going with this but i'm probably not even making sence by now.

I'm blackened by failure. Sooted and inked in ash. Charcoaled veins, painted with a sharp edge of led, not the soft, smooth side. Harsh, deceitful eyes. During the last few hours i've binged, purged, smuggled food from the cupboards at any spare moment. I'm being watched alot, but it's useless really, unhelpful skills route me into destruction. Aches eroding my strength. My mouth scraped with rough gravel, sickening ketones clogging any sence of taste, The stench of over-ripe, near rotten fruit on my breath. I shot my insulins straight out of the window, even after swearing to myself before i left the hospital that i'd try and follow the rules. I daren't take a blood test, i know what it will say. I can't risk the mark of HI showing up in the memory log.

I need some sleep, of which i have been lacking. My chest hurts, my stomach hurts, i hurt.

What more is there to say? Other than i still don't know what i'm doing, where i'm going or why. Hopefuly it will become easier. I'm going to keep trying, keep trying to turn around.

Searching for so much more than this.

Thankyou for all the messages, and if anyone has sent cards/letters i'm in the process of writing back.

I might get another update in tommorrow before i leave but maybe not.

Lots of love xoxo