Monday, Dec. 08, 2003/9:50 pm

split thoughts

I've been on the verge of tears all day, for no particular reason.

I feel restricted in my clothes, need more room, less of me ocupying the material. I keep glancing down at my stomach and distorting my face into stiffled sobs. I managed little sleep last night, kept waking to the thump of my chest, unquenchable thirst, stumbling to the toilet then downstairs to get yet another drink.

I don't know how i'm still here.

I've been faking my blood test results by using control solution to record normal readings. Control solution is a small bottle of red liquid that comes with your meter to test whether it is working accurately. I've also used tea and hot chocolate, so that it won't seem suspiciously perfect. Just as long as the memory logs figures between 4 and 10, even i'm really soaring up in the 30's or 40's. I found my old machiene and i'm using that one to check myself. Already the HI's are mounting up.

I can't believe myself. i know how dangerous it is. I feel so devious, so selfish and ashamed. Once the idea entered my head i knew i couldn't ignore it.

Had a parcel arrive this morning from Rachel

and a letter from Ilana. Their both such sweethearts :)

I managed to take a small amount of insulin tonight, i had to force myself but i did it. Just enough to bring me a little safer.

Sometimes i think it might, just might be okay.

I'm just so scared.

Scared of what i can't control. Scared of this game of cat and mouse, death trailing behind me.

The negative and positive clash and change often, but i fear the negative is much stronger. It knows it's place, whereas the positive just flickers lightly, usually burnt out by the dark.

It's my network meeting on the ward tommorrow at 4. I'm probably going to be allowed my discharge date. Yet i know they are going to keep tight reins on me. I won't get away too easily.

It still won't stop me planning with this illness inside my head.