Saturday, Dec. 27, 2003/1:40 am

full up

I've been laying in bed, trying to sleep for the last hour and a half with no justice. Seeds of thought burrowing into cloudy sences. Drunk on exhaustion, drips of water slip steadily into my mind, bead by bead of disruption, flooding the shut down switch so it no longer works. Confusion propping up weakness. Sitting on an electric wire, charged on a false pick up.

What next?

Where to go? What to do? How? Why?

Who am i?

Too many unanswered questions.

Christmas wasn't so bad. It was difficult eating the dinner with everyone else, riddled with guilt and embarrasment, set with a center stage light. I've had high sugar levels for the past two days, and as usual been purging alot. It's been a struggle to get up, ketones lagging me down, twisting my legs into cramp and setting my mouth in clay. A gloss of glucose lacing my tongue. Breath clogged, vision distorted.

My eyes feel so heavy and look so sad. I can hardly bare to look at myself. I'm ashamed, ashamed of what i've done, and what i can't quit.

Hope fleets past but never lasts long. I start to move but them get stuck, get scared, walk backwards.

My head is buried in the sand. I need to be shoveled out. Hands tied, speech lost. Communication going as far as simple test messages. I just can't open up.

I'm full up of this.

Full up of life.

Full up of helplessness.