Wednesday, Dec. 24, 2003/12:33 pm

back :)

Hey :)

I've had a long re-think over closing this diary (see last entry for explanation) and...decided to keep it open. I don't think i should have to shut it just due to one mystery person. I will say though, that if that person is reading this, please either just leave or reveal yourself. It would put me at ease, i am still very paranoid.

Anyway...The last few weeks have been a bit up and down. I'm sitting here with a pounding headache, still not dressed. I'm avoiding mirrors, yet i can't avoid the scales. Feeling fat and stressing over Christmas tommorrow.

I was officially discharged from IP on the 12th of December, with their grudge and against medical advice. After leaving on the train back i started crying, not really sure why, just sadness. A sence of never belonging wherever i go, wherever i am. I miss alot of the other girls, despite some of the disruption they brought. I would bleed myself across the ground just to heal them all.

Had one outpatients apointment so far, the next is on the 30th of December. She weighed me, then talked for about 10 minutes whilst i sat and shrugged.

At my last session of counciling in ip the therapist didn't hold back. She told me that she thought i was running away because i was scared of them breaking into my hidden space. My safety zone, built up with purging, starving, insulin manipulation, inner hatred. My self esteem has been describes as 'rock bottom' with a high risk of resorting back to old habits.

I don't want to go back, i really, really don't. But i know I have alot of worries to break.

The drive is there, i DO want more than this. I want to do it for everyone else more than anything. It's just the barriers of gaining weight and resisting binges that are the hardest to fight.

I'll get there,

oneday,

i will.

I missed writing here, i missed you all.