Sunday, Jan. 18, 2004/11:10 pm

needing

I can't

b-r-e-a-t-h-e

I'm straining, stinging, splinter licked eyes through a grey field. A yard long mass of charcoaled, clogged air. Isolation beyond words. Feeling like the blind beyond a tangled confusion of cloud, reaching nothing, nothing but cold fingertips.

I lit candles in the church ruins and waited for the clickclack of shoes. Nobody arrived. Burn my skin against a flame just to prove i exist.

I feel guilty for not calling my friends, but they haven't phoned me either. I just can't bring myself to even try. My voice would flutter too light, too far away to detect.

I have an interview on Wednesday, for a job at the clothing store French connection. I handed in a CV there a few weeks ago and thought i had missed out until they rang my mobile yesterday. I would love to work there, i would be in my element, it's my favourite shop by far. But..i am incredibley afraid of messing up, of stuttering over my words, rambling over unimportant subjects, slipping up on my anxiety. I have to turn myself inside out and create someone new. I have to banish the shy and withdrawn parts of me to the back wings and transform a new character. I want it so much.

There is a part of me thats saying i should fail, i deserve to fail, i deserve to make a complete mess of this. I'm trying so hard to ignore it. I don't want to come across as awful, i'm going to try my best to put across a good impression.

I know that i probably won't be successful, and it bothers me to know that if i don't it will pull me down. I wouldn't be able to just brush it aside, i'll dwell on it, and pick apart every potential error and mistake.

I'm preocupied with what people think of me. Every second of being around others makes me nervous. I just want to jump back beyond the curtains. Under dust coated covers into my darkened room.

These cuts are healing, but i am not.

I feel out of control.

My weight despises me, carrying what seems like pounds and pounds of excess. Unrequired and unwanted. My face looks bloated and my stomach feels the same. Overeating and over purging, with only slight hours of sleep each night.

I'm fed up of needing,

fed up of filling myself full.

Full of emptiness.

comfort/rejection

yes/no

bring in/push out

A safety blanket i wish i could do with out, coarse material which soothes whilst choking.