Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004/12:57 pm

recovery?

I think the interview went okay. Well, it's hard to tell really. It wasn't half as awful as i'd built it up to be. The girl i spoke to was lovely, pretty, sweet and blonde. There were only a few questions, to which i think i answered as best as i could. I was very nervous but covered it up and tried to hold my head high and smile. I'll find out if i was successful sometime soon.

I feel good that i managed to go, to do it, to walk in foot forward towards fear. I didn't back out, i faced up to it, challenged the anxiety and came out on top. If i don't get it i'm really going to try and just accept it, and not become too self evaluating. If it doesn't happen it just wasn't meant to be right?

In other respects i'm very tired at the moment.

I'm topped up on small snatches of sleep between the insomnia. I lay awake just staring and staring into the darkness. With my window wide open, letting through cold and gustly air. My mind acts like a loud chime keeping eyes open, when they long for rest, a flutter into dream.

I had a long talk with Hayley last night. She told me she wanted to recover, yet it is so difficult because she's been ill for years now. I wish her all the luck in the world, i know she can do it, i believe in her. To show that i'm going to try too.

We're in this together.

We might have extreme lows, set backs, moments where getting better will seem so far away and so pointless. But we will get there, we will. Hayley i'm by your side in this.

I haven't really decided how it can happen. Reduce purges and increase weight, feel the clothing even tighter, the emptiness growing before it can move out. But i'm young, nearly seventeen, in two and half weeks time. It's not right for me to leave this place yet. I have to do it for everyone else, i have to be able to survive with health and not always be left drained by sickness. I need to cope without it, and that thought is the most difficult of all. Possibly worse than these rituals i posess is the idea of existing without them.

I just read Gwen's diary too. In which she said "But not anymore.. I must get better. I must..." I'm smiling. Hon, you CAN do it too. It has made my day to hear that, i worry about you constantly and want nothing more than for you to be well.

All of you out there reading and suffering silently, you all deserve a future, a way forward, happiness. Wow, i can't believe i'm being so positive here, it's actually quite scary.

I might reget all this later, when i'm down on my knees diving through cupboards. When i'm standing on those scales, once twice, three times, and up to 30 checks a day. An obsession to assess, to say yeah, see your too big, FAT When i'm watching hope spill out of me in the form of food, and wondering what i can consume next to remain calm.

I might not be able to change anything, i might not, i admit that now. I'm so afraid of normality. I'm probably not even making much sence here.

I don't know how possible this will ultimately be but i'm not going to stand around waiting to die before i find out.