Friday, Jan. 23, 2004/10:47 am

unsuccessful

I didn't get the job.

I'm in a state, i told myself i wouldn't get like this, i wouldn't allow it to affect me, but it has. I've been crying for the last twenty minutes, useless tears that leave no relief. I'm sitting here scoffing biscuits, vastly making my way through the packet of custard creams that were only bought just yesterday.

One arrow feels like a shatter of bullets. I can't let it go.

The words 'unsuccessful at this stage' typed out on the letter, feel stamped over my body. And i'm thinking, why.

Was it how i was dressed? That i'm so ugly, so unemployable. Was it the way i held myself, walked into the store, shook her hand? Did i say something out of term? Did i look down or not keep eye contact? It was probably all of that.

I really, really wanted it. Last night i actually prayed for it. I don't believe in God but i said 'please, please just grant me this one wish.' Whoever is up there, obviously wasn't listening.

UnsucsessfulUnsucsessfulUnsucsessful

fatfatfatfatfatfatfat

w-o-r-t-h-l-e-s-s

I always take everything to seriously. I just can't stop this, the bashing going on inside me right now, a panel of judges picking apart my every move, all wearing stern expressions and attempting not to look right at me. I stand like a ballerina on a carosel, performing and acting, spinning, yet without the grace and beauty. They disect my appearance and routine at every turn.

I can tell today is set downhill.

I'll probably spend it b/ping over and over because that it all i am good at.

This is all i am supposed to do. Keep trying to get rid of myself, throw it all up out and lay back in despair and apathy.

I want to curl up compact and safe, but i feel too huge, clumsy and wrong footed to be able to do that.