Sunday, Jan. 25, 2004/10:46 pm

out of my mind

I can't see properly. Even with my glasses on, writing appears blurred and unreadable. I nearly burst into tears because i couldn't tell whether i had cleaned the smudges off my dinner plate properly. Got to keep it tidy, neat, together. I'm going out of my mind, i really am.

I can't let my brother see me eat, around food, or even holding a dish ready to be filled. I hear him coming down the stairs, quick, hide the sandwich under a cushion, shove my lunch back in the microwave and act innocent.

Not allowed to be seen sinning. Greed struck and guilty.

I am constantly anxious, on the edge of my seat, head down, willing to shrink into nothing.

I keep experiencing electric shock sensations in my head. I was having them before i went into IP, but they stopped whilst i was in there. Now they have started up again. They suddenly grip me with a jolt. A harsh, painful, twisting jolt. I have no idea what it is, perhaps my electrolytes, i haven't had a blood test in some time now.

Always juggling life with death.

I'm still not sleeping. Everyday i go through the routines. Each binge and purge fazing into one another. Walking to the fridge, numb, tuned to the same station. Knowing how everything goes, which order, the tricks and rules.

When will i find peace? I know it won't be at the back of the cupboards but i still can't stop sifting through them.

Blocking out thought,

blocking out reality,

blocking out the world, beyond my disordered bubble.

Staring blank and frozen.

Blocking out myself.