Monday, Jan. 26, 2004/7:55 pm

split

I haven't eaten alot today. To be honest i just feel too sick and drowsy to put myself through it. I've only purged twice, which is a vast improvement on yesterdays nine. I've also allowed myself some tea, fruit juice and 10 units of novorapid to bring my sugars down. I'm still finding it really hard to get up and move around properly though. My body is struggling to function.

I've sorted out a part time job, just two hours a day but the pay is quite high. It's lunchtime break supervision at a private secoundary school, where my Mum works. In addition i'll get a free lunch, and have to sit down with all the children, cut up their meals and pour their water if they need me to. The staff are allowed to choose from options like baguettes, quiche, salad, cheeses, jacket potato, crackers, so it's all quite healthy. I'm going to try really hard to keep it down, and take my insulin so i won't be high. Straight afterwards i will have to go out into the playground to watch them all so will have no time to visit any toilets.

Hopefuly this will be the first step forward.

I think that maybe it's a relief that i missed out on French Connection. I had it all planned out. It was 6 days a week, 9am-6pm. I would fast until dinner, binge, have a bath and throw it all up. Come online if could manage it, then sleep for as long as i could until the next morning. Near to what i was doing with college, the routine that ended me up in hospital.

I got the photos back that i took before i went into IP at 72 pounds. I was shocked, so shocked. It doesn't look like me. I studied the body of a girl far too thin, with a head balanced upon crumbling bones. I never, ever saw that, never thought i was thin enough, but god i looked awful. My eyes looked haunted. After putting on a stone i'm probably still slightly abnomal in appearance, but my reflection cannot move me. I look and feel fat. I can't get rid of that, the struggle under skin, the grasp of unwanted flesh. Wrists tied, unable to search for rationality.

Struggling to re-write the sacred book i've been living by. Tipex out and scribble away the past and muse over the new. Every second is a battle, every decision to inject a unit of insulin or not strive for a drastic drop in weight.

Split thoughts pulling me in both directions.

Life.Death.

Now.Never.

Standing cold and freezing, knee high in sinking sand. I've already done so much waiting, i've got to push myself, claw the edges and climb.