Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004/10:54 am

losing

It's all white outside my window. Iced roads and snow topped trees. Cat footprints down the garden path stamped through the sparkling white. It's pretty. The sun is just peaking out through the sky to melt some of it away. I''m so cold. Wrapped up in layers over layers with the heating on high.

I've got to stand out in this for an hour and ten minutes today on the playground. The school is still open. I think i might just turn to ice. I went blue yesterday.

The job isn't too bad. I think it'll be good for helping me to open up a little. As i find it hard to speak out and be assertive, the easiest sort of people to begin with are children. As for the eating, well i didn't manage to do what i planned to. I've been eating and then purging as soon as i get home, amongst streams of acidic liquid. I was trying to resist it, especially on the first day, Tuesday. Yet in the back of my mind i think i knew it wouldn't happen. I was already HI beforehand, and took 5 units of insulin. Not enough at all, and i was well aware of that. I just tried to fool myself. I eat very little, and later on instinct just set in. To the bathroom i went, hating myself, but obeying the contract, punishment for nourishment.

It's only a temporary position, they are looking for someone else, i'm just a stand in really, but it doesn't bother me. I will look for something else when it comes to it.

I've already been offered a biscuit by the head mistress who thinks i'm 'very slim' and is apparently worried. I threw it in the bin. Another teacher commented to my Mum that i'd had 'barely anything to eat at lunch.' I feel so transparent, see through and uncovered.

I've been having regular headaches and heartpains. The binging is so extreme at the moment, i just can't bring it down, i told myself only 4 times yesterday but managed 6, which in fairness is pretty good for lately. Just not good enough. I'm putting so much strain on myself, running along the tracks waiting for a car to jolt out in front and hit me. Blank me out cold.

I missed another outpatients apointment yesterday. There was no point really as it's reshedulied for Monday. They need to weigh me. I just wish they would leave me alone. Alone with my sadness and my eating disorder.

I've lost a few pounds, just recently, within the last week. I'm quite scared of where this is going, but also exhillerated. Felling the push of loseloselose, get lighter, leaner, lesser.

I feel like i'm losing this battle already.