Monday, Feb. 02, 2004/5:49 pm

not too great

I can't look up, i can't even look around me. Divert my focus from the strong dread inside.

I feel semi-comotosed and semi-drunk. Stumbling and so low. I've been shot, direct and quick and now i'm weakening, ready to collapse.

I've just got back from the clinic apointment. Only 15 minutes because i was late, barely any words, but it's taken so much out of me. Several pint glasses of water and diet coke, along with a few heavy objects helped compensate for recent weight loss. She asked me what book i've been reading to which i made something up, so to not sound completely boring. I lied and said i'd been spotting with my periods, and have no idea why as they will probably do an ultrasound to check.

There was a girl i know in the waiting room, from school. She went in after me, and it's made me curious. I know she used to self harm so maybe that's why she was there, they don't just deal with eating disorders, they cater for all sorts of mental health problems.

What's happening to me? At this moment in time, i feel utterly hopeless and helpless for no apparent reason. I spoke as little as i could have done, yet i feel like i've told my life story.

I actually feel suicidal. Yet, i'm not thinking of pills, or blood or nooses, i just want to starve to death. Starve every last inch of skin away. I've been very down all week, theres something holding me captive, a mouth stuffed with a tissue, a body ready to pass.

All this talk of recovery, all my promises, ideas, solutions appear in vain. Let's face it, i can't do it, i just can't do it. Even if the contructions planned and ready to go, the materials are lacking.

I'm so sorry.

It's my seventeenth birthday on Saturday and i just can't believe what i have become. Every glance in the mirror disgusts me, fills me with hate and a yearning to hurt. To get iller than anyone else, iller than i was, iller than i could even imagine.

As i read these words, i feel my eyes should be bleeding. My mind filled with insults and rotting hope. I don't know why or what has suddenly come over me, but it's smothering every inch,

I'm going to go and block myself out with food like i always do.