Thursday, Feb. 12, 2004/1:45 pm

extremes

Sometimes it seems like everything will be okay. I tell myself i will change, it will get better, look straight to the top of the hill before noting the ridges. Every morning a vow to eat, and to take my insulin, destroyed completely, into splintered glass and plastic. Every evening i look back over more lies and suffering. Moods switch and change, moments bearable, others so diffcult to get through, hours can be longer than days.

Still breathing.

Yesterday i went to Oxford street shopping. Faced the crowds of strangers that have no idea who i am. I don't have to smile or pretend, i can just twist in and out of the many faces and lose all sence of person. I don't need to be me, i can be untagged, unnamed, unscathed. I planned to spend all my cash and return laden with bags but my energy source ran out by 3pm. I was so tired, and it showed, an elderly woman even asked me if i was okay when i collapsed in exhaustion on a street bench. I didn't touch a morsel of food until the train journey home. Then bought a baguette, salad, muffin, diet coke along with my magazine at Waterloo to aid me through the long continuous haul of staring out the window. Followed by a swift trip to the bathroom later on.

I'm always skipping between extremes. Dimensions so far apart. Clinging then pushing people away. Independence against comfort. Striving out alone then wanting someone to hold me. A painfully full stomach, spilled until empty.

I can't find a middle area between still and sprinting. I need to learn to walk.

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I wish i was interesting.