Saturday, Feb. 14, 2004/9:29 pm

who am i?

A brown envelope arrived through the post this morning. No definately not a valentines card, the sad truth is i've never once recieved one. Instead, even better, a letter telling me that one of my poems will be published. I submitted one a while ago at forward-press and they have accepted it! It is to be included in an anthology called 'The Peoples Verse' which will be released in May. I just have to proof read it and send it back along with a signature which will copywrite it to my name.

I can't tell you how much this picked me up when i read it. It gives me hope and a little faith in myself. The idea that perhaps i could be good at something besides screwing up.

I haven't been feeling too healthy though. Dosed on a lethal mixture of flaring ketones and dry energy. I didn't take even a unit of insulin yesterday and my blood sugars were sent soaring. I went to bed shattered and was up and down all night re-filling my glass of diet coke and using the toilet. Persuaded myself to take an injection at about 6am, feeling so naseous, aiming to avoid sickness. This morning i was unsteady and very shaky. Lost three pounds but so light headed and unable to make use of anything. If i'd been in a cartoon i guarantee dizzy stars would be gathering around me.

An unpredictable heartbeat shudders and races ahead of me. Out of breath, unable to catch up.

Is it worth it? Is any of this worth it? One of so many unanswered and avoided questions.

I wish i had the courage to strip the surface down, melt the plaster bare, chip away at a ridgid cover. Delve through this cluttered mind, the never ending excuses, can't and won't, should-do's and might-do's. I'm petrified of turning ideas to practise, venturing from my private, disordered haven. A comfort that shields and protects me from real life and real decisions.

So scared to find out what's underneath, if anything at all, a discovery as to who i really, deeply am.