Monday, Feb. 16, 2004/3:16 pm

downcast

I just don't know how i'm still doing this.

Hanging onto loose string,

walking over hot coals. Wayward steps and distracted sight.

Grasping onto the siderail as i try to make it up the stairs to the bathroom. A deep sigh, disgust and hatred simmering inside, as i follow through with the consequence of giving in. Stop every now and then between heaves to rest against the cold blue wall and catch another lifeline. Another flush of the toilet, another flush of my soul.

Weight falling,

Obsessively back and forth to the scales, after drinking, after binging, purging, repeated checks each morning and before bed. Watching the blinking red digits, so minor in vision, yet so high in importance.

Jeans a little looser,

intentions a little higher.

Desperate, torn and crossed for what to do. I want to shrink, dissolve, disintergrate away, but the images of hospital beds, doctors, charts plague me. I can't let that happen again.

I forgot to say, that i'm out of work again. I was only cover at the school, they needed someone older with the right certificates and training. It was only two hours a day but it thoroughly drained me, and i am so ashamed to admit that. I am useless, completely useless.

I've been sleeping alot in the day, it seems the only way to avoid food and a total shut down. My eyes are so downcast, a struggle to keep them open.

I don't feel human,

seperated from this foreign body with a loss of direction.