Thursday, Feb. 26, 2004/9:18 pm

everything & nothing

Is there anything-

that hasn't already been said?

I feel everything and yet nothing wordable.

The lies roll steadily off my tongue, another struggle to resist binging is lost. A familiar view of the bathroom ceiling as i lay on the stark floor. Eyes flickering, head spinning, heart racing. Backbone digging into the rigid lino.

Everytime speech escapes from my mouth i want to catch it and force it back in. Gag this voice that always makes mistakes.

All i ever think about is food, eating, food and dying. It has taken over my whole existance, my whole life, my whole reasoning.

I am not me, i cannot posess a name, i have been turned into this disorder entirely. Letting it latch and feed off me, skimming my body to bones so i don't have to associate with myself.

Hopeless dreams. All i can build is a pathetic three block tower of bricks before the wall collapses. A struggle that never ends in success. I need to remain ill as justice. I need to be seen as sick and so getting what i rightfully should. That's just how it works. I cannot be happy because people would look at me and i know what they'd think, i shouldn't be allowed health.

The pigeon hole of normal would scream fraud. Because normal is good, and well, and i am neither of those.

I won't look into my eyes,

scared of what i will see.

Hating myself for not fighting harder, and hating myself for each surviving breath.