Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2004/12:48 pm

sealed tight

Yesterday felt like such a long day. By the end of it i just wanted to forget, erase all that had happened and all that had been said.

I had an outpatients apointment at 3.15. It was overwhelming. I've been told that i cannot just maintain anymore, i have to start gaining weight. The session seemed to stretch on endlessly, coaxing droplets from my eyes whilst i bit down on my lip and watched the teasing wall clock tick. I can't seem to stop myself or stem the tears lately, they just keep spilling, even with no idea as to why.

Carefully placed discussion over meal plans and increased meetings just bounced straight back off me. I couldn't register or take any of it in. Sitting there still, the water comforting my cheeks, the only sign that i was still alive and awake. I close the shutters tight, seal them with insane coats of tape and glue, and cover my ears. Can't allow the words through, won't let anyone near.

My thoughts are mixed together in a cooking pot near boiling point. The negatives, positives, dreams and destruction merging into numb confusion. Add in a dash of poison and a tablespoon of regret.

ihavetodothishavetodosomething. can'twon'tcan'tmakemesoscared. armweights? gottomakeadecisiongottomaketherightdecision. whykeepwaiting-jumpjumpjump. getagripgetahold. staminaenergyenthusaiasmisimportant. don'tdeserveitdon'tneeditlessfleshlessroomlessspace. needchangeneedalifeneedmoreneedtofindmyself. Death?

fight to get well/ fight to get sicker

strive for freedom/ strive for disorder

I'm stuck in a great mess of lies and dishonesty. I've been making so many mistakes and i'm too late to undo any of it.

Binging & purging.

Faking blood sugar results

Kg's of loaded water which promt viscous headaches every time.

I'm so worried i'll get caught out soon. Once they start quizing me over the amount i've been eating, how frequently, what doses i've been injecting, i doubt it will make any sence. The next apointment is supposed to be the next stage, the push, where it all begins, and i have to begin moving forwards. I don't think i can do it, i don't think i can go, infact i've pretty much decided i won't. Backing out, unable to handle it like usual.

I can't imagine how i managed to be a normal weight in the past let alone attaining to reach it again. I'm terrified of more, absolutely terrified, even if i could keep hold of the illness in the background, the extra pounds in itself is terrifying. I couldn't live with myself.

Turning away, running.

I tried so hard last night to keep dinner down. I eat slowly, steadily, accepting each mouthful. Afterwards, pleading inside for a distraction that didn't come, i lasted 30 minutes. Then excused myself to go and take a 'bath.' Failure.

However, i have been taking my insulin. I'm not sure why or how but i'm managing it. Each unit a curse of guilt but accepted. Though i'm over-compensating with doses, dropping low quite alot, hypos mounting up. I'm scared of stability, i'd rather walk through a fazy landscape than one with clear skies and surfaced grounds. I'm scared of health.

Today i've had seven slices of toast with honey and a kitkat, and thrown up. I'm desperately trying to switch of the gluttonous craving for more. Why can't i keep anything inside me? Why can't i just pause after my lunch, of say; a sandwich, soup, perhaps some fruit, and feel okay. How will i ever be able to do that? It makes me feel so awful, so bad, filthy. I have to be empty, my stomach has to be clean.

Blank, captured in twists and knots of my own mind. I can't see anything beyond this.