Saturday, Feb. 21, 2004/8:17 pm

ignore

I haven't heard anything from most of my so called friends since the start of January.

And it hurts,

it really does hurt.

It hurts that i didn't recieve even one birthday card from any of them this year. Then again,I didn't do much better last year either. I am the sort of person who always tries to makes the effort for birthdays, if i didn't have enough money i would hand-make a gift, wrap it in pretty coloured tissue paper and add a personalised message. Just so they knew i cared, just because i can't help but care.

I think, should i ring them? But i just won't push myself to do it anymore. It's always been me, checking to make sure they're okay, incase they might need me. Not because i had to but because i wanted to. I was only ever there for them to rest their heads against, and i wavered in the background whilst they rode away. Looking back as i became an ever distant feature.

I'm so alone, so so alone. I can't describe how this feels. I've just started to cry, and i just...i have to let these tears fall.

If any of them were in danger, i would drop everything to help. Despite what some of them have put me through in the past i would sacrafice my life for any one of them. I just don't understand...i'm so awful. None of them have evereverever tried to be here for me for more than 5 minutes.

I need someone,

I've needed a friend.

To hold me, and just....let me know they wouldn't leave.

But it has never happened...only in my dreams.

I'm still crying, these droplets are so real and lined with such sadness. Not anger or frustration, just sadness.

& lonlieness. & deepdeep pain. Pain for all the times i've turned up to comfort someone else, and all the times i've waited for them to return that comfort.

They just left me here.

I never asked them for anything, not a pause, not a second. I never deserved it, i don't. Unworthy, dirty and insignificant. I shouldn't be complaining, i'm sorry, i shouldn't expect anything more than what i get. I won't grow a thicker skin, instead i'll try to starve myself until they don't even have to look at me. My form of protection.

I am on my own tonight with the fridge and cupboards full of food. My music is full blast, 'Beautiful' By Christina Aguilera is playing. I wish i could take the meaning in, the difference between her and I is that words do bring me down. I am freezing, i have been so cold all day, sooted in a blue tinted light. My duvet hasn't left my side throughout the evening, it is cloaked around my shivering body.

I am just waiting for something to happen. I'm scared, i feel the rouse of warning. As if a crack will be broken, a rip pulled, a windpipe punctured. My heart flickers along a ruptured line, my stomach is regularly twisted with aches. My eyesight is terrible even with my new glasses.

Standing on the sidelines and watching,

without a will to fix myself. Knowing where the first aid kit is but keeping it shelved and ignored.

The only person i won't fight for is myself.