Monday, Mar. 01, 2004/5:14 pm

crowds

Everyone around me is so loud, the scenery is garing, intence and exciting but i am lost amongst it all. Compact and folded up in my secret compartment, disconnected from ever changing events.

Still,

quiet,

silenced by passitivity and shame.

Drowning in crowds of people that cannot see me anymore

I am the one who faltered, fell on her knees and could never get back up. Left dissolving in the dirt, those shrill cries for help i once lightly called are now gone, my voicebox ruptured and burnt out.

The one you can call and then hang up on if you need to talk, because she'll immediatley ring you back. (Shabana, who i met in IP)

Or even borrow a book from her and not return it (Cassie) Or lose her favourite CD (Frances) because she will always say it doesn't matter in the slightest.

It took me all the courage to ask my brother & his friend to turn the music down at 2am Saturday night so i could sleep and he wouldn't. My problem for not being strong enough. It's always me, always, always me. I'm never going to be able to build my confidence back up. It was never whole in the first place, and now it is destroyed to pieces. battered and smashed under dirty shoes and insults.

Katie's birthday is on the 9th of March. I bought her a card today, i'll write in it with coloured pens and put 'have an amazing day' plus p.s: I've missed you, i hope your okay. It doesn't make sence to me to leave it. She didn't send me a birthday, or even a Christmas card, and hasn't contacted me even after finding out how ill i've been. But i want to send her something because i care and i want her to know that.

It's perfectly acceptable to forget me because i am not worth remembering. & i let them forget because maybe then i will be able to. I don't blame any of them for not wanting to know me.

Last night Mum knew i'd purged. It was horrible, shouting, her hurtful true opinion of me. The seams split open, after holding it in for a while, trying to bubblewrap me with false care, she snaps. I went to bed crying my eyes out, a pillow soaked with tears. Crying because even after feeling so much embarrassment over what i am doing, how i am living, i know i won't and can't stop. As soon as she left for work this morning and i had the all clear i started cooking, preparing a binge, stuffing my ugly face. Filling the void, filling the hole, smothering the pain with a distraction.

My landscape is stripped bare and stark. Trees empty, not even a drop of rain, let alone sunshine. Nothing to shift this course, nothing to lift me up or turn my struggling body. A weight heavy on my shoulders, unable to stand.

Laying, and waiting, waiting, and waiting...for the sky to turn black. Or for the ground to swallow me completely.