Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004/6:21 pm

so tired

High sugar levels, blood diluted with glucose, mouth and nose stuffed with antiseptic lemon drops.

Low energy. Weakness smothering every bone and aching limb.

I just can't be bothered to try anymore.

I'm stumbling, yet just staring into the clouds, unable to see, unable to feel, expression like set stone. Soon i will trip on an awkward rock, an unseen obstable spearing through the dirt. Fall forward without reaction, registering to late to put my hands infront of me.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Everything i want to say is scrambled together inside my head. I'm finding it hard to figure out, hard to decifer what i really mean.

My hair is clipped back into a messy ponytail as usual. My eyes are lazily struggling to stay open despite an extra hour of sleep this afternoon. I am completely worn out. After my second b/p of the morning, I laid in the bath earlier, just wishing to melt away. Wishing for the water to wash away all of my inpurities, fold into my skin and dissolve the layers away. I eventually managed to pull myself back out, only to retire to bed. Vowing to fast from that moment on. Later, i am standing infront of the fridge, riddled with guilt that i am even looking, that i'm hungry and longing to find an escape. Debating and battling the demons once more. Eateateat. Nonono. I knew which side i wanted to succeed but i also knew it wouldn't and i was powerless aginst it. Start with a piece of cheese, slice of ham, then a packet of crisps, or two. A heated cornish pasty with a thick top layer of melted cheddar. Finishing with two chocolate raisen bars.

I decide i cannot purge this time, not again, knowing it could topple me from this unsteady seat. Instead i omit my lunchtime insulin, just like i did with my breakfast shot. I lay down on the sofa and try to control my breathing, watching my chest rise and drop.

2 hours later i feel so ill, full, and naseous. Room spinning, each step a mountains climb. Still, i won't take anything, not even a unit. I can't, terrified of gaining weight. So i throw up, chunks of meat amongst diet coke and salt & vinegar flavouring mixed with stomach acid. It just makes me feel sicker, but atleast i'm empty.

I'm not going out of the house alot. Under exile, protecting the world from my exposure. Protecting myself from the touch of reality. Scared to step outside incase i see someone i know. The only exception is in need of food, to the supermarket, pound coins stashed in my pocket, paranoid and anxious but charged on a bottomless desire.

It keeps me going. I binge and purge in the morning to wake up. It's all becoming too much to take.

My brother has just gone to the pub, i am left alone now and i know what will happen. I'm already planning what i will have, and all i want to do is cry. I can't turn back, i can't control it. It's instinct. My dignity is stripped bare.

I just want to let go. My hands are sore and bleeding from holding on for so long.

I don't know how i can keep doing this. I don't know what i'm going to do if it doesn't start to get better.