Monday, Mar. 08, 2004/1:53 pm

shut up

I was up late last night thinking, just laying in the darkness under the covers, and thinking. Trying to figure out what happened and how i am going to get out of this. I don't think i am ever going to be able to change.

My Mum told me that i was a doll when i was little, perfect and friendly, i hated getting anything spilt on me. Never the type of child to play in the mud, always prefering a pretty dress to trousers. I interacted with confidence at playschool and always said please and thankyou.

I don't remember that far back, the before. The past i know is that of a withdrawn character, always stepping silently and staying away from groups. I can see how it has progressed over the years. The self loathing and shame intensified to present day, where low self esteem just doesn't describe it. High school spent crying in the girls toilets, always making sure my cheeks were wiped clean of tears before i left. Trusting too much and trusting too little, always feeling left out and deserving of the cold.

Painful experiences have changed me into this. Always ugly, because of my squinting eyes, my cracked and damaged teeth. The opinion placed early in my mind that i was wrong in every way i could be. Name calling that other people may place as bullying, but i'd say it was appropriate, they were right. I am disgusting.

I wish i could smile. But i've learnt to keep my mouth shut as much as possible. To stem both physical attributes as well as the words that could escape. My appearance is really bringing me down, one of the reasons i don't feel like going out at the moment. I had the bike accident when i was 7. I'm now 17, they have had ten years to finish the orthodontic work but it is still uncomplete. I currently have a gap at the front, my old brace won't fit in anymore and it looks awful. It's really difficult to explain what the eventual plan actually is so i won't, it's quite complicated.

I am unlovable. All i ever wanted was my Mum to be my Mum and my Dad to be my Dad. Instead, my Mum shouted, stressed about money and told me she hated me. My Dad made me feel useless and a failure, still firm beliefs. He called me chubby and pinched my stomach, this has now been replaced with skinny, but he has never said i am special. When he cleaned out his flat a few years back he gave me a stack of photos that he'd taken with him when he left us. He didn't want them anymore, too much clutter, he didn't want me. Who would? Bad girl, stupid girl. Why the hell did you say that for? Always slipping up on the banana skin. Sew your lips together, be quiet. Nobody should have to listen to you, fat bitch. All my reports from year 2 onwards have spelt out the same message 'too shy, needs to participate more in class.'

How am i ever going to accept myself? I never have been able to before, i can't vision that i ever will. Before i left IP the therapist told me she was concerned that i wouldn't be able to take care of myself or lead a healthy life. I hate to admit it but she was right. I needed to get out of there so i could feel the rush of hunger and starvation, the reasurance of throwing up blood, becoming faint and dizzy. The setbacks of insulin deprivation and consequences of dehydration. Every time i accepted the food, worked through each meal longing to scream, i felt like a traitor.

I am worth nothing,

justice through suffering, pain, scarlet running down my arms and legs, gasping for air.

Digging the knife in deeper, with a numb sting of advancing death, my face has become the gas mask to suffocate my soul. The reflection of a monster, a parasite, insides just as rotten.

Killing myself. Unable to reach out for help, let anyone close, or pull myself back out of the water. I'm starting to realise that my mind is just as sick as my body.