Thursday, Mar. 11, 2004/12:29 am

look away

I'm very aware and conscious of what i am writing here at the moment. i imagine you all open the page, scan over my words, roll your eyes and think 'she's moaning again.' The same meaningless tangents, unanswered questions and futile promises.

My pupils scorch as i look into the dark, look hard and sharp, searching for a coloured figure or dance of luminous light.

Wandering aimlessly, kicking a battered can across the pavement. Lost amongst the chaos, the drama production screening inside, sifting through crammed boxes, full of dusty memories. I have found myself in such a tangle, a web of doubtful and broken pathways, it is all such a mess.

I haven't been wearing my good clothes alot, pointless as i rarely move beyond the front door anymore. I just pull on my old stripy jumper or zip-up, with jeans, safe for binging and purging, incase of spills or splashback.

The last time i washed my hair doesn't bare thinking about. I have enough baths, but it is too much to even sit up sometimes, after throwing up my insides, stomach split, chest breaking, head hit by a brick. It's been difficult to decifer between the shampoo and conditioner bottles without my glasses, just a dubbed line of blue writing against a white label.

I didn't take my insulin today. Left the syringes sitting ontop of my desk. Squirted the correct dose out the window when it was the right time. Weight slipping, thirst thriving, another 2 litre bottle of diet coke drunk to the last drip. Yet the only numbers that will mean anything in the end, are the dates inscribed against my tombstone.

My heart has been shattered by hopelessness.

This illness has taken so much from me. I signed the contract, with shaky hand-writing and a clouded mind. I let it in, and i cannot let it go.

Gone is my spirit, enthusiasm for the next adventure.

Gone are the moments of pure wisdom, looking forward to a future.

Gone is my health, dreams, the girl i once was.

Now all i see is the cracks strained across the mirror. I can't hold a glance, i only look away before i start to cry.